The American Animagi
by Ax
Summary: Hooray! It's a Harry Potter/Animorphs crossover! Funness! Yeah, it takes place during Harry's fifth year and right after the last Animorphs book. Please R/R
1. Spaceship!

A/N:  This just kind of came to me this morning when I was running out to carpool to school, because I was running really late.  I know that I need to work on my other fics, too, and I am working on them, but oh, well.  Please R/R!

Disclaimer:  As much as I wish that I owned them, J. K. Rowling owns Harry Potter and K. A. Applegate owns Animorphs.

The American Animagi

            Harry Potter, a fifteen-year-old wizard raised his wand at the pincushion he was supposed to be transfiguring into a porcupine.  Hermione, one of his best friends who had already changed her pincushion into a porcupine and back, watched him and a tall, gangly boy with a shock of red hair try to complete their assignments.

            "Damn it!" the red-headed boy yelled.  His pincushion had finally changed, but his hand had been in the way.  There were three sharp needles sticking into his hand.

            "Ron!" Hermione exclaimed, looking at the boy.  "Watch your mouth!"

            Harry rolled his, eyes, sick of his two best friends' fighting.  He knew that they were completely and totally in love with each other, but were too dense to realize it.

            "Okay, I'm going to try again," Harry announced before Hermione and Ron's argument could progress any farther.  A look of concentration washed over his face, and he flicked his wrist.  A line of sparks shot out of his wand, and suddenly, the pincushion was not on the table anymore.

            In its place was a large spaceship.

            All the sounds in the room stopped, and everybody stared at the spaceship in the center of the room, their eyes slowly moving to Harry, who was looking dumbstruck at the hunk of metal in front of him.

            "Mr. Potter!" Harry's teacher, Professor McGonagall exclaimed.  "What is that?"

            Ron, who was rubbing his wounded hand, dropped his mouth open, amazed.  "Harry, you never told me you could do that!"

            Harry said nothing, his eyes transfixed on the ship.

            "Professor McGonagall only said to transfigure it into a porcupine, Harry," Hermione scolded.

            "Harry?  How do you explain yourself?" Professor McGonagall demanded, now angry with him for his silence.

            "I– I don't know…" Harry stuttered.

            Just then, there was a magnificent clanking sound, and a door on the side of the ship started creaking open.  The children gasped, and Professor McGonagall gaped for a second before hurrying out the door to go find the headmaster of the school, Albus Dumbledore.

            The door to the classroom slammed open, and little Professor Flitwick stormed in, saying, "What's all this noise?  You're disturbing my fourth year stu–"  He stopped as soon as he saw the spaceship opening, and fell into a dead faint.

            However, none of the students took note of the tiny teacher on the floor.  They were too busy looking at the amazing site in front of them.

            A screeching, angry bird shot out of the ship and started flying around the room.  It finally landed on the table near Harry, Hermione, and Ron.  It glared at them, its feathers puffed out and its eyes angry.

            "Hedwig?" Harry asked stupidly.  The bird looked at him and fluffed his feathers even more.

            Also coming out of the ship, following the bird, were two guys that looked to be about sixteen.  One was slightly shorter than average, with dark brown hair, brown eyes, and a dark complexion.  The other was tall, strongly built, and had paler brown hair and haunted brown eyes.  There were both looking around in confusion.

            Wondering where their teacher was, some of the fourth year students from next door wandered into the room.  Among them was Ginny, Ron's younger sister, who also had hair the color of flame.

            "Ron?  What's that?" she asked, her voice faint and disbelieving.

            "Menderash?" the shorter boy asked, calling inside the spaceship.  "What happened?  Where are we?  Did we die?  I didn't feel any impact."

            "We're not dead," the taller boy answered.  "Rachel and Tom aren't here."

            The shorter boy looked at the other one sadly, and then stepped back.  "Dude!  Jake!  You're young!"

            "I wish," Harry heard the one called Jake mutter.  Then, more loudly, Jake said, "Well, I would hope so…  I am only nineteen."

            Ron started snorting, trying to hide his giggles.  The boys could not have been older than seventeen.

            "No, man, I mean you look young.  Like you did during the war."

            "Huh?" Jake looked down and yelped.  He took a closer look at the other boy, too.

            "Marco, for once you're right…  What the heck is happening?" he exclaimed.

            "They're Americans," Hermione whispered to Harry, Ron, and Ginny.  "Aren't their accents funny?"

            Where are we?  What happened to me?  Why is my body not as old anymore?

            The room became silent.  There had been a voice, but no one had actually heard it.  It was almost like it had just sounded inside their heads.  Unconsciously, Ginny crept backwards, nearer to Harry.  Ron put a hand on Hermione's shoulder.

            "What was that?" Neville Longbottom, another student in the disrupted Transfigurations class, asked, his voice quavering.

            Marco shook his head.  "Would you look at that, Tobias, they don't know who we are!  I mean, you're the only talking red-tailed hawk around, right?  What far corner of the earth are we on?"

            Two more people walked out of the ship, leaning on each other for support.  They both looked to be in their mid-twenties.  One was a surprisingly beautiful woman, the other a very fit man.

            "Why aren't we dead?" the woman asked, her French accent very noticeable.

            "Why, she must have gone to Beauxbatons!" Ron exclaimed.  "I wonder if she knows Fleur…"

            Hermione turned around and slapped him.

            "Blimey, Hermione, what was that for?"

            Marco started giggling.  "Blimey?  Blimey?!  Alright, I think that answers my question.  We're in England.  And England is not in the middle of nowhere.  Therefore, they must know about us.  Yes, we've been gone for six months, but still…  We're in the history books.  And I have my own television show!"  Marco stopped, beaming at his own words.  "So, why don't they know who we are?"

            "What's telebijon?" Ron questioned.

            Gee, Marco, maybe it's because some people actually have lives that _don't _revolve around worshipping world heroes and catching the latest episode of your show.

            "There's that voice again," Harry muttered, trying to make sense of it.  Ron scratched his head nearby.

            "Hey, you!" Marco said, looking at Harry.  "Where exactly are we, and why don't you guys know who we are?"

            "They're bloody insane!" Ron whispered under his breath, earning a glare from Hermione.  "They belong in St. Mungo's!  Harry is the only one here that's in any history books."

            Harry stared at him, puzzled.  Finally, he said, "You're at Hogwarts School of Wizardry.  I've never heard of you before in my life."

            See?  They don't care, Marco, the voice-that-was-not-a-voice said again, a bit of sarcastic triumph touching the grief in it.

            The older woman spoke again.  "This makes no sense."

            "Damn right," the man said, speaking for the first time.

            "What do you mean, 'School of Wizardry'?" Jake asked, his face tired.

            "They're Muggles," Ginny whispered.  "They don't know about us!"

            Then, two things happened at once.  Professor Dumbledore, headmaster of the school, strode through the door, Professor McGonagall following quickly behind him.  At the same time, something that was definitely not human stepped off the ship.

            Ron, still clueless, asked, "Since when were there such things as blue centaurs?"

            "It's obviously _not_ a centaur," Hermione explained, her voice becoming slightly bossy.  "For one, there is no such thing as a blue centaur.  Also, centaurs have the tails of horses, not of scorpions, and centaurs only have one set of eyes."

            What she said was true:  The thing that had just stepped off the ship had the same basic shape as a centaur, but had a long tail with a wicked blade on the end, blue fur covering its entire body, no mouth, too many fingers, and a pair of eyes on top of its head on swiveling stalks.

            Jake, I seem to have recovered my Andalite body, a new voice said.  Once again, the Hogwarts students could not hear it as they normally would, but instead heard it inside their heads.  The humans that had come off of the ship did not seem to care in the slightest.  However, they seemed just as amazed by the not-a-centaur as the students were.

            "Menderash?" Jake asked.

            Yes, it is me.  I do not know what happened.  The ship is not working.  We were not going at such a velocity that we could have entered Z-space and exited again so quickly.  There was no way that we could have arrive here on earth so quickly.  According to physics, we could not have without coming here to find that this planet had aged years.  We also could not have gone this quickly without dying.  Also, we would have hit the Blade ship.  The curvature of space…

            Harry felt his eyes glazing over.  He looked around, and everybody else, including the two called Jake and Marco, seemed to be falling asleep as well.  Only Hermione gazed raptly at the blue thing, nodding in understanding.

            "Well, of course your ship is not working," she said.  "Electricity doesn't work on Hogwarts grounds."

            "Who are you, and how did you get here?"  Dumbledore finally broke the silence and the voice's monologue.  Harry decided that the voiceless voice was coming from the centaur-thing.

            "That's what we're trying to find out," Jake said, stepping forward.  Harry could not help but notice how sad he looked.  "My name is Jake Berenson."  He stopped, obviously waiting for some sort of reaction.

            No one said anything.  Dumbledore just looked at him thoughtfully.

            "Jake Berenson…  You know, leader of the Animorphs?" Marco suggested brightly.  "And I'm Marco, by the way.  The smart, funny, cute Animorph…" he said, at first grinning at Parvati and Lavender, who were two of Harry's classmates, but trailing off when there was no reaction.

            "Animorph is not a word," Hermione said.

            "I agree with her on that one!" Ron said, nodding earnestly.

            Marco looked around incredulously.  Jake's sad face seemed to have lifted, and now he just looked confused.  Finally, he said, "Tobias, would you like to show them what an Animorph is?  They don't look dangerous…"

            Fine, the first soundless voice said bitterly.  The great bird hopped off Harry's table and fluttered to the ground by Jake, Marco, the other two humans, and the blue thing's feet.

            Surprisingly, it started to stretch upwards.  Its feathers started sucking into its body, until it looked like a plucked chicken.

            "Somebody get Madam Pomfrey!" Ginny wailed.  All of the students were making sounds of horror and disgust.  Only Professor Dumbledore kept calm.

            "He's almost like an Animagi, Minerva," Dumbledore commented to the horrified Professor McGonagall.  "His transformations are just slightly… more disturbing."

            Professor McGonagall ran out of the room, her face green and her hands holding her mouth shut.

            The bird finally stopped changing, and looked to be a boy about Marco and Jake's age.  "Hey!" he said, now very confused.  "I'm older in this body.  I'm usually only thirteen when I morph human, because that's how old I was when I acquired me."

            Everybody, spaceship people and students, exchanged confused looks.

            "He's an Animagi!" Hermione said.  "But that couldn't be possible, because there have only been six registered Animagi this century…  Professor McGonagall and five others.  And then Rita Skeeter was an unregistered Animagi…  And–  Oh!"

            Harry had elbowed her and Ron had covered her mouth before she could disclose the secret that there were also three unregistered Animagi:  Harry's father James Potter, James' best friend Sirius Black, and James' betrayer Peter Pettigrew.

            "Animagi?" the older man asked.  "By the way, I'm Sergeant Santorelli."

            "Oh, yes, and I'm Jeanne Gerard," the woman said.

            "Tobias," the bird-human offered.

            The blue things said, Menderash.

            "Yes, an Animagi," Hermione repeated, sounding exasperated.  "You can turn into animals, therefore you are an Animagi.

            Dumbledore's twinkling blue eyes darkened in confusion.  These people obviously had no idea about magic; they were Muggles.  However, one of them was an Animagi.

            There was a popping noise, and standing next to the people from the spaceship was a short African girl, also about sixteen.  Her face was twisted in anger.

            "–away from me, Ronnie you stupid jerk!" she yelled.  She slapped the air in front of her.  She had obviously been in the middle of a fight when she appeared in the middle of the room.

            "I didn't do anything!" Ron said, turning red and running his hand through his red hair.  "Honestly!  I didn't!"

            "You can't Apparate into Hogwarts." Hermione said flatly.

            Jake opened his mouth, closed it again, and then took a deep breath.  "Cassie?" he asked.

            Her eyes went wide.  "Jake?  What are you doing here?  Where am I?  What happened?  I can't believe–"

            She was cut off by three more consecutive pops, followed by utter chaos.

            With the first pop, a tall girl with long blonde hair and piercing blue eyes appeared in front Tobias.  His eyes popped open, and he only said one word.  "Rachel?" he asked.

            She turned around, grinned, and threw herself into his arms.  He brought his mouth to hers, and they started kissing in front of everybody.  Not that anyone really noticed, however.  They were too busy being astonished by the next few happenings.

            The second pop caused a boy that looked like Jake, but slightly different and ten years older to show up.  "I will be free!" were his first words.

            Conflicting emotions ran over Jake's face.

            "Yeerk," Marco hissed.  His shoulders started bulking up, and his face turned rubbery.  He was changing shapes.

            "I'm not dead?" the new man asked.  "I'm not dead!"  He turned around and saw Jake there, looking back and forth from the blonde girl called Rachel to the new man.  "Hey, Midget," the man said.

            "Tom!" Jake exclaimed, and fell into a dead faint on the floor.

            Cassie ran to Jake's side, checking for his pulse and holding his head.

            The third pop placed a handsome eighteen-year-old boy in front of all the Hogwarts students.  He was shaking like a leaf.  "V-V-V-Voldemort!" he stuttered.

            The students shrieked.

            "Don't say the name!" Ron bellowed.

            The terrified boy looked around, and stopped quivering.  "But…  Triwizard Cup…  Portkey…  He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named…  Cemetery…  Unforgivable Curse…"

            Harry's face became white and he fell to the floor near Jake, also out cold.

            A translucent head pushed up from the floor, soon followed by a body.  The Fat Friar, one of the Hogwarts ghosts, had just entered the room to see all the commotion.  "Oh!" he said.  "Has young Cedric come back to haunt Hogwarts with the rest of us ghosts?  I'll willingly share the Hufflepuff tower with you!"  He floated forward through many of the students until he reached the new boy called Cedric.

            "No…  I think I'm alive…" Cedric said, his voice faint.  His eyes rolled up into his head, and he, too, fell in a heap on the floor.

            "Enough!" Dumbledore exclaimed.  He raised his wand into the air and water started falling in the room.  The cool wetness on their faces woke Jake, Harry, and Cedric up.

            "We need to figure out what has happened," Dumbledore said firmly.  The three boys rubbed their eyes and sat up, dazed.

            "Wait," Jake commanded.  "If Cassie, Rachel, Marco, Tobias, and I are here, then where is Ax?"

            "Yeah, what was with him and The One?" Tobias questioned, having finally removed his lips from Rachel's.

            "He's not dead," Rachel stated.  "I never saw him."

            "Huh?" Marco asked.

            "Ellimist let me be special and see everybody who died.  He never died.  Tom and that guy did, though," she answered, pointing first at Tom, then at Cedric.

            "Then I will repeat," Jake said, "where is Ax?"

            There was another pop, louder than before, and smoke swirled through the room.  When it finally cleared, there was a short, fifteen-year-old girl wearing jeans and a plain pink T-shirt standing in the center of the room.  She had long gold hair, green eyes, and was holding a laptop.  Marco leered at her.  She smiled at everyone in the room.

            "Me?" she said, still smiling.  "I'm right here."


	2. Dance the Macarena

A/N:  I would like to clear something up.  This is not meant to be a continuation of Animorphs.  It is supposed to be an insanity fic.  That will become much clearer this chapter.  Also, thank you to gwenalyn and Lady Lupin for helping me with some research.

Chapter 2

            "You aren't Ax," Tobias pointed out.

            The girl turned to face him.  "Okay," she said, "so my real name isn't Ax.  But my little brother did call me Ax when he was a baby and couldn't pronounce my name!  Anyway, Ax is my penname.  You can call me Allee instead."

            Everybody just stared at her dumbfounded.  Harry, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, and the other students and teachers were confused with the apparent Apparation into Hogwarts, the American Muggle Animagi, and Cedric coming back to life.  The people who had just come off the ship or appeared in the room did not understand how they had suddenly appeared in the middle of a school in England and how dead people were coming back to life.  The only person who seemed to have any clue whatsoever was Allee.

            "So, do you know where the real Ax is?" Jake asked.

            "He's not here?" Allee questioned, looking around.  "I must have forgotten him!  Oops!  Just a sec."  She typed furiously on her laptop for a moment.  There was another popping noise.

            Ginny gasped as another blue centaur-thing appeared directly in front of them.  Prince Jake! it called.  Don't ram the Blade ship!  It's a trap!

            It looked around and stepped back in shock.  Prince Jake?  Marco?  Tobias?  Cassie?  _Rachel and Tom_?

            "Hi, Ax," Tobias said, lacking anything better to say.  No one knew what was going on.

            "Did you just do that with eckeltricity?" Ron demanded of Allee.

            Hermione sighed with obvious distress.  "Ron, I've told you before, electricity does not work on Hogwarts grounds!"

            "But I did use electricity!" Allee protested, holding up her computer.

            "And, uh, how did that happen?  _How _did you get Ax here?" Marco asked, eyeing her with a small grin playing on his features.  "You know, life has just gotten stranger and stranger since that day in the construction site.  First body-stealing aliens and morphing power, then fame, then traveling on a space ship for months, now I'm trapped in a room with dead people suddenly springing into existence, people's physical bodies changed, people babbling about magic, and a chick claiming she's doing all this with her computer."

             Allee grinned and bowed.  Everybody stared at her blankly.

            Allee sighed and rolled her eyes.  "As the author of this story, I can do anything I want.  See?"  She typed more on her computer, and there were two more pops.  In front of her were two strange figures.  One was a large thing, part machine and part organic materials.  On the top of a throne of machinery was a single red eye.  The other was a small old man, although the wisdom in his eyes was infinite.  Both creatures stared with surprise at Allee.

            "Who are you?" the red eye demanded.  Pure evil seemed to seep out of it.

            "Hey Crayak, Ellimist," Allee said, waving.  "What's up?"

            The eye blanched.  "Oh, no," it said.

            "Aw, poor widdle Cwayak-Wayak is scawwed!" the old man said, laughing at the eye.

            The eye, called Crayak, glared the man.  "Watch it, Ellimist," it growled.

            Harry put his head in his hands, confused.  He went through everything that had just happened in his mind.

            First, he, Ron, and Hermione had been transfiguring pincushions into porcupines.  However, when Harry tried to change his, a spaceship had appeared out of nowhere.  Out of the spaceship walked four humans and one alien who seemed to be just as confused as they were.  Their names were Jake, Marco, Santorelli, Jeanne, and the alien was Menderash.  They were capable of changing forms.  When they were trying to explain themselves, another girl, Cassie, had appeared, soon followed by a girl named Rachel, and older boy named Tom, and Cedric Diggory, who had died last year.  In utter chaos, Harry and his fellow students and newly arrived humans tried to figure out how in the world everything had happened.  Then, Jake had asked where somebody named Ax was, and a girl had shown up, who told them to call her Allee.  She then made another one of the aliens pop into existence.  That one was called Ax.  She claimed that she was doing all of it with her computer.  Next, she made two beings, called Crayak and Ellimist, appear.

            "How do you know who this girl is, Crayak you piece of filth?" Rachel demanded, her hands on her hips.  

            "Umm, Rachel?  Maybe you shouldn't go around insulting evil, all-powerful galactic pain-in-the-butts.  I didn't say that!" Marco said.

            "They're not all-powerful anymore, Marco honey," Allee said, smiling sweetly in Marco's direction.

            "Of course I'm all-powerful!" Crayak cried.  "Just watch!"

            He looked at Harry, and Harry felt dread growing inside of him.  Crayak's eye started to glow, and fire danced inside…

            "The rules, Crayak," Ellimist said with a warning tone.  Crayak ignored him.

            "Don't worry, Harry," Allee said agreeably.  "He won't do anything!  Crayak, behave yourself and stop, or I will be forced to use extreme measures."

            "How do you know my name?" Harry muttered, still totally confused and nervous because Crayak was still glaring at him with murder in his eyes.

            "You asked for it," Allee said.  She typed more on her computer, and suddenly Crayak was a human.  A little girl, to be exact.  He was dressed in a little pink dress, his hair in curly pigtails with pink ribbons.

            "What the f***?!" he cried.  He continued to yell obscenities as he started to dance the Macarena.  A song that sounded as though it might have been in Japanese was blasting from Allee's computer.  Allee was grinning like an idiot.

            "That was not smart…" Marco muttered.

            Professor McGonagall, who had finally come back into the room, looked at Allee with admiration.  "Miss, that was one of the best transfigurations I've seen!" she exclaimed.  Allee beamed with pleasure.

            Will somebody _please _explain what it going on?! Menderash yelled, finally earning silence.

            Allee stepped forward, turned off the music, and cleared her throat.  Everybody watched her expectantly.

            "Alright.  My name is Allee West, and I am from earth."  She held up her hands as everybody, Hogwarts student or spaceship inhabitant, started to say that they were from earth, too.  Only the two alien-centaurs were quiet.

            "I am a big fan of both Harry Potter and Animorphs.  Where I'm from, they are both book series."

            There was a collective gasp of surprise from all the people in the room.  Professor Flitwick, who had just finally regained consciousness, fell down again.

            "However, Jake, Cassie, Rachel, Tobias, Ax, and Marco, your series ended one year ago.  The one year anniversary for your endings will be May 14th for me.  The last sentence of the series were your words, Jake.  'Ram the Blade ship.'  As you can understand, I was very upset by the fact that you were about to die, Cassie was left behind with that jerk Ronnie, Rachel was dead, and Ax was absorbed by The One."

            All of the non-Hogwarts people, who Harry now understood to be people from Animorphs, were gawking at her, their mouths hanging open.  The two aliens had their main eyes wide open.  Crayak was still grumbling under his – her – breath as she continued to dance unwillingly.

            "As for you, Harry, we haven't heard about your fifth year yet.  J. K. Rowling is still writing it."

            "Blimey," Ron commented.

            "As a fan fiction writer, I decided to write a story continuing where your various writers left off.  I had to do something to let you meet, and I figured that the way I did it was as good as any.  Also as author of this fic, I can make you do anything I want."  Allee gestured at the still-dancing little girl that Crayak had turned into.  

Ellimist started laughing to see his opponent looking so ridiculous.

"That is the reason why Menderash is an Andalite:  I wanted him to be one.  And Jake, Tobias, Cassie, and Marco?  That's the reason why your human bodies are all sixteen.  That is also the reason why I can use electricity on Hogwarts grounds and bring the dead back to life."

Hermione stared at them.  "But its not possible!" she whispered.  "It's not possible."

"Okay, now to tell you guys a bit about each other.  People of Hogwarts, these are the Animorphs, plus Tom, Jeanne, Santorelli, Menderash, Crayak, and Ellimist.  In their universe, they fought a secret war with Yeerks, which are parasitic aliens that go into your head and take over your body, for three years.  They saved the world and are now hailed as international heroes.  However, in the last battle, Rachel here died.  So did Tom.  Jake went into a big depression.  Tobias disappeared.  Marco became rich.  Cassie worked for the government.  Ax went into deep space to look for the last big Yeerk spaceship that got away.  He was absorbed by some big meanie called The One, and so Jake, Tobias, and Marco went to go save him.  They were about to run themselves into the Yeerk ship.  Crayak and Ellimist are all-powerful beings, who mess with people's lives, even though they insist that they don't.  Well, they used to be all-powerful.  But then I came along!" Allee started giggling insanely.  "Anyway, Crayak is evil and demonic and just plain mean, and Ellimist is good.  Somewhat.  So they've been fighting in a sort of chess game for the past few millennia."

"You mean wizard chess?" Ron asked, his face brightening.  They rest of the people from Hogwarts were staring dumbly at Allee and the Animorphs people.

"As for you peoples from Animorphs," Allee continued, still grinning, "This is the Harry Potter universe you are in right now.  In this universe, there are wizards and witches living in secret among Muggles, or non-magic people, like you.  There used to be a really evil dude named Voldemort–" 

"Moldywort?  What?" Marco interrupted.

"DON'T SAY THE NAME!" Ron thundered.

"Sorry," Marco said.

"Like I was saying," Allee went on, shooting a death look at Ron and Marco.  Marco blushed.  "There was an evil dude named Voldemort, or You-Know-Who, or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.  Fourteen years ago, he came to this boy's house.  This is Harry Potter, by the way," she said, waving in Harry's direction.  

The people from Animorphs waved weakly.  They were still too much in shock to do anything else.

"Well, You-Know-Who killed his parents, and tried to kill Harry, but the curse rebounded and left You-Know-Who nearly dead and powerless.  Harry grew up with his horrible aunt and uncle and cousin, never knowing anything about his magical ancestry until he turned eleven and received an invitation to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where we are now.  Since then, he has faced You-Know-Who four times, and escaped each time.  Last time he met him, You-Know-Who regained his power and Cedric Diggory, the dude over here who just showed up, died."

"Right…" Marco said, voicing the opinions of every person in the room.  

"Okay," Allee said.  "Now that you guys have learned what happened, I'm going to return some of you to your own universes.  I just brought you here so that everybody would know you were okay.  When I return the people who stay to their own universe, you'll already be there.  Bye!"

With that, she typed more on her laptop, and Tom, Menderash, and Jeanne disappeared.

"Wait!" Jake called after his brother, "come back!"

"It's okay," Allee said.  "Don't worry, he's in your universe now, in your parents' house.  They're probably trying to figure out how he's alive right now."

"Fine," Jake grumbled, but he did seem happier than he had been when he had first shown up in the room.

Hermione raised her hand, and asked, "What did you want us to do, now?   Besides wanting to defy all rules of physics and magic, and wanting us to meet these Americans, you haven't given us a real reason for bringing them here."

"That," Allee said, grinning maniacally, "is my favorite part.  I will give you a series of tests and trials you have to go through.  People from Hogwarts and people from the Animorphs universe must work together.  For each contest and-slash-or test, I will send one of my friends and fellow fan fiction authors to watch."

"Great," Ron complained.  "More crazy girls."

"Thank you!" Allee exclaimed.  She always considered being called crazy a compliment.

"What is the first test?" Hermione asked eagerly, wanting to show off her intelligence.

Allee grinned, feeding off of their suspense.  Finally, she said, "It will be a game.  A game of chess."

"Great!" Ron exclaimed, being a chess master.

"There are two individuals in here," Allee said, "that have been playing a chess-like game for a few millennia now."

Crayak, still a little girl dancing the Macarena, glared at her.

"Well, I have gotten sick of their game lasting this long.  So it is time to end it.  Crayak and Ellimist, those two individuals, will engage in a game of wizard chess.  Whoever wins will control the Animorphs universe.  Each of you," Allee continued, facing Crayak and Ellimist, "will have six people on your team to help you.  On Ellimist's team will be Jake, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Hagrid, and Marco.  Crayak will have Snape, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Wormtail, and Nagini.  Harry?  You're going to translate for Nagini."

As Allee said that, the three Slytherin boys, the head of their house, Voldemort's two biggest supporters, and Hagrid popped into existence.

"As for the rest of you," Allee said, addressing the Hogwarts students and teachers, "Crayak and Ellimist need to play their game in peace.  However, Cassie, Rachel, Tobias, and Ax can stay.  Now go to your common rooms!"  She typed more on her computer, and all the Hogwarts students and teachers not selected to play in the game disappeared.

"Master?" Peter Pettigrew, or Wormtail, said.

Crayak, who Allee still had not released from doing the Macarena, laughed evilly.  "I am your master now," he said with malice.

"Harry?  What 're yeh doin' here?" the giant gamekeeper Hagrid asked.

"What's going on, Potter?" Draco drawled.

"I didn't do anything, Malfoy," Harry replied.  "The crazy girl over there has been bringing people here from all over.  We're supposed to play a game of wizard chess.  You're helping that guy.  If he wins, he controls another universe."

"A likely story," Draco scoffed.  "And what do you mean 'that _guy_'?  It's a little girl!  And what the hell is that dance she's doing?"

"BOW TO ME!" Crayak thundered.  "I AM NOT A LITTLE GIRL!"

"Fifty points from Gryffindor!" Snape snapped.

"For what?!" Hermione shrilled.

"For lying and bringing strangers into Hogwarts," he answered, eyeing the Animorphs.

Nagini hissed, and Harry blanched.

"Well?" Allee asked.  "What did Nagini say?"

"She said," Harry muttered quietly, "'Harry Potter must die.'"

"Oh," Allee said, smiling.  "Isn't that nice of her?"

"What a cute little snake!" Cassie exclaimed, bending down to pet and play with Nagini.  "Come here, little snake!"  

"Right…"

"I guess this means that I have to change Crayak back to normal now…  Although he does make a cute little girl!"

"YES!  CHANGE ME BACK!  I DO NOT MAKE A CUTE LITTLE GIRL!"

"If you're going to be that way, I won't!  You can stop doing the Macarena now, though," Allee said as she typed more into her computer.  Crayak stopped and stood, smoldering at Allee.

"I'm getting out of this nuthouse," Draco muttered.

"Wait!" Allee exclaimed.  She typed frantically, and suddenly Draco could not move.  Crabbe and Goyle clenched their hands threateningly.  Allee glared at them.  "Listen.  You guys are going to help Crayak, the little girl, beat Ellimist, the old man, in a game of wizard chess.  Also on Ellimist's team are Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Hagrid, Jake, and Marco.  Ellimist, Crayak, Jake, Marco?  Wizard chess is just like normal chess, but a bit more… violent."

"Oh, great," Marco said sarcastically.

"Well, I need to leave now!  Class is almost over for me, and I need to go to English.  I'll see you guys in a bit!  Have fun playing!  I'm sending my friend to watch you guys and make sure you don't get out of hand.  Oh, and here you go, Draco."  She typed some more, and Draco fell to the ground, able to move again.  He stood up glaring and brushed off his black robes.

"Byes!" Allee said jubilantly.  She disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"She's enjoying torturing us," Ron said dejectedly.

"Probably," Tobias agreed.

There was another pop, and another girl came into existence.  "Hey, y'all!" she said.


	3. The Catfight Or Is It a Dogfight?

A/N:  I just want to say to ComeCatcha, if you're reading this, that this story is called humor and a parody for a reason.  I inserted myself simply to be crazy because this is an insanity fic.  If you have a problem with that, you're crazy.  I suggest you go back through all the thousands of Animorphs fics, pick out all the insanity fics, and look at how many of those have author insertions.  I was not the first one, and I will not be the last.  In a real fic, I would never insert myself, but in an insanity fic, I can do anything because it is my insane mind writing it.  I'm sorry that you can't see that.  I'm going to continue to insert myself and my friends now, because this is an insanity fic, and that's what happens in insanity fics.

Chapter 3 – The Chess Game

            "Not another loon," Ron complained to Marco, who was standing near him.

            "I'm not a loon," the girl answered.  "But I like loons!  Radioactive loons will take over the world!  I'm the leader of the Louisiana Lucky Ducks.  We help the Flock help the loons take over the world.  Allee is one of the six people in the Flock.  She introduced me to the loons."

            "Yup," Marco whispered back to Ron.  "It's another loon."

            What is a loon? asked Ax.

            The new girl had shoulder-length blonde hair, blue eyes, and was a couple inches over five feet tall.  Harry noticed that she had a rectangle-shaped scar on her wrist.

            "My name's Shawna," the girl said with a very thick southern accent.

            Everybody was silent.

            Suddenly, Allee's voice boomed out of nowhere.  "Say hi to Shawna!" she exclaimed.

            With surprise, everybody in the room said, "Hi, Shawna!"

            She grinned.  "Okay," she remarked, "I guess I'm supposed to watch you guys play chess."

            "Yeah, I guess so," Marco said irritably.

            "Okay, get into your teams!" Shawna said brightly, batting her eyes at Marco.

            Giving her a weird look, Marco, Ron, Hermione, Jake, Ginny, and Hagrid moved to spaces nearby Ellimist, and Snape, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Wormtail, and Nagini went to Crayak.  Ax, Rachel, Cassie, and Tobias grouped together, away from both other parties.

            "Alright, Shawna, or whatever your name is," Draco said, "let's get this game over with."

            From wherever she was, Allee randomly started cracking up.

            "Don't we need a chess board if we're going to play chess?" Marco asked, looking around.

            "Of course!" Shawna answered brightly.

            "So…  Aren't you going to poof one out of nowhere for us then, or something?" Marco asked, trying to get her to elaborate.

            "Don't worry," Shawna answered.  "Allee's taking care of it."

            As she said that, the entire setting of the room changed.  Instead of being in Professor McGonagall's Transfigurations classroom, they were on a giant chessboard.

            "How'd we ge' by Fluffy?" Hagrid asked, looking around.

            That was physically impossible, Ax said, looking around the room with his stalk eyes.  Unless this is some sort of very convincing hologram, it is physically impossible to move us instantaneously through space.

            "Oh, no, not here again!" Ron complained, looking at a small bloodstain on the floor.  "Last time we were here, I was nearly killed!"

            True enough, they were in the same room where Harry, Hermione, and Ron had gone through a real-life version of wizard's chess when they were trying to get the sorcerer's stone.

            "Speak for yourself," muttered Harry.

            "Ah, ah, ah!" Shawna scolded.  "You can only translate for Nagini."

            "But-"

            "No!"

            "But-"

            "No!  Listen to what Shawna says!" Allee said from nowhere.  Suddenly, Harry found that he was unable to speak.

            Nagini hissed, and Harry said, "Ha, ha, ha."

            "Now he only _can _translate," Allee said.  "By the way, Shawna, just in case they start acting up…"

            A laptop appeared in Shawna's hands.

            "Oh, no," everybody groaned.

            "Oh, yes," she laughed.  "You know, just for the fun of it…"  She typed some things onto the laptop.

            Suddenly, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, and Snape's hair started flashing gold and scarlet, the Gryffindor colors.

            "No!" the Slytherins moaned.  Wormtail started snickering.

            "Oh, don't worry, they're not the only ones, Wormtail," Shawna said.  With a few more keystrokes, there was another popping noise, and suddenly there was a small Dachshund sitting on the ground.  When it saw Shawna, it started wagging its tail and running towards her.

            "I'm really getting sick of people apparating into Hogwarts," Hermione complained, shaking her head.

            Yes, it is physically impossible for them to appear, unless they come out of Zero-space in a space ship, Ax agreed.  Everybody gave him an odd look before looking back at the weenie dog.

            "Hello, Belle, my little puppy dog!" Shawna crooned, bending down to play with it.

            "What a sweet dog!" Cassie exclaimed, coming onto the chessboard so that she, too, could pet the dog.  Rachel shrugged, and followed her friend.

            "Reminds me o' Fluffy," Hagrid commented, and then he also bent down to play with it.

            You know, I _eat _things that size, Tobias grumbled, fluffing his wings.

            "No!  Don't touch her!" Shawna shrieked.  "Attack, Belle!"

            In a second, the playful, sweet, happy dog turned around, snarled, and started running toward Tobias.

            Oh, no, he groaned, and swiftly flew up onto the nearest thing he could stand on, which just so happened to be Wormtail.

            "Excuse me, bird, but what do you think you're doi-" Wormtail started to say, but then was cut off when Belle sunk her pointy teeth into his exposed ankle.

            "OUCH!  GET OFF ME, YOU STUPID MUTT!  MY MASTER WILL EXACT REVENGE!  AHHH!!!"

            "Bloody hell, that's a smart dog," Ron managed to say between giggles.

            "Ron!  Don't swear!" Hermione scolded.

            Will you please stand still? Tobias demanded, and when Peter failed to comply, Tobias spread his wings and flew over to Rachel's shoulder.

            "Good girl, Belle, good girl!" Shawna cooed, picking the still snarling dog up into her arms and hugging her.

            "The thing's almost as loony as that idiotic hippogriff that nearly killed me third year," Draco whispered to his two cronies.  They started giggling.

            "Don' insult my poor Buckbeak!" Hagrid yelled.  With that, he opened the button on one of his pockets, pulled out a small, moving wizard's photograph of Buckbeak, and started sobbing.

            "Hippogriff?" Rachel questioned.

            Yes, I read about them in one of my books, Ax answered.  They are a part of human mythology, but nothing more.  They are part eagle and part horse.  But they are only myths.

            "Magic is only a myth, too," Jake pointed out.  "But look around us."

            "Poor Buckbeak…  I hope he was abl' ta get away safely…" Hagrid said, still fingering the picture.

            "Mortals…" Crayak complained.  "They have no sense of what is important in life.  Power is all that matters!"

            "See?!" Wormtail shrieked, still cradling his wounded ankle.  "My Lord You-Know-Who is not the only one who thinks that!"

            "Maybe, but we've already decided that Crayak is a guaranteed evil, psycho, pain-in-the-neck," Rachel said.  "So your master You-Know-Who agrees with a psycho."

            Rachel jerked her head toward Crayak who was running toward her as fast as his little-girl legs could carry him, and said, "Listen, shrimp.  Here, you're not all-powerful, and you have a physical body.  You attack me, and I morph elephant and introduce you to one of my tusks."

            Crayak seemed to think about that for a moment before his rosy cheeks paled and he shied away.  However, he still muttered something that sounded like "universal domination."

            "Oh, shut up, you little girl," Ellimist said, standing up proudly.

            "I'm not a little girl, Ellimist," Crayak said angrily.  "You, more than anybody else here, should know how dangerous I am."

            "You may not normally be a little girl, but you are now, and I'm an old man.  You should respect your elders."

            "ME?  Respect YOU?  NEVER!"  Crayak shouted.  Unable to twist the strands of space-time to get his revenge on Ellimist for saying that, he did the next best thing.  He marched right up to Ellimist and stomped down on his foot.

            "Take that, you old fart!" Crayak shrieked.

            "Ow!!!  Get back here, you!  I'll put you into a time-out!" Ellimist yelled, limping as fast as he could toward Crayak.  Crayak started giggling, and ran behind Hagrid.  He peeked out from behind the huge gamekeeper, and Ellimist grabbed him.

            "Well, this is entertaining," Marco smirked.  "I never thought I would see the day when Crayak actually did act like a little girl and Ellimist like an old man."

            "Grounded!  And no more chocolate for the rest of the month!" Ellimist yelled as he picked up Crayak and carried him (or was it a her?) back to their previous positions.

            "I WANT MY MOMMY!" Crayak cried.  Then he added, "My lord, did I actually just say that?"

            Allee started laughing again, from her invisible hiding place.  After a few minutes of listening to Allee's chuckles and watching Crayak and Ellimist's little catfight, Snape started to giggle.  He eventually got louder and louder, until he fell down from laughing so hard.

            "Professor?" Draco tentatively asked.  "Professor Snape?"

            "He's snapped," Hermione offered.  "I'm surprised that it took this long.  If we continue to hang around this group of crazy people any longer, I will not be surprised if we do, too."

            "No, I've not snapped," Snape managed to say through his laughter.  "Just think about it.  We're here, in a secret area of Hogwarts meant to protect something that was destroyed years ago, with people from another universe, and we're having to do whatever two crazy American girls from yet another universe want!  It's ridiculous!"

            Allee finally stopped laughing, and said, "Okay…  This isn't working.  Shawna, we really just need to make them start the game, otherwise they'll all snap.  Too bad, this really was quite amusing."

            "Oh yeah," Shawna agreed, also giggling.

            "Okay," Allee said, "tap the shoulder of whichever chess piece you want to play."

            Everybody continued to watch Crayak and Ellimist, who were still fighting.

            "I SAID TAP THE SHOULDER OF WHICHEVER CHESS PIECE YOU WANT TO PLAY!" Allee yelled.  Suddenly it seemed like the entire room shook, except for the small piece of ground that Shawna was standing on.

            Everyone froze, and then meekly started to walk toward the chess pieces.

            "Ellimist's team is white, Crayak's team is black," Allee said.  "Oh, and Ellimist and Crayak are the kings."

            "He can't be a king, he's a little girl," Ellimist laughed.

            "That's it," Crayak muttered, but before he could launch himself at Ellimist's throat again, Shawna grabbed him and put him in the place of the black king.

            When everybody was in the spot of one of the chess pieces, and the non-players were safely on the side, the remaining actual chess pieces sprung up, suddenly alive.

            "I hate wizard's chess, I hate wizard's chess…" Hermione kept repeating as she stared at the bloodstain on the floor where Ron had fallen four years before.

            "Let the game begin!" Allee's voice announced.


	4. Fate of the Animorphs Universe

A/N:  I'm sorry.  Really, I am.  But I do have some excuses!  Good ones, even!  Well, kind of.  Anyway, what happened over the summer was that I had tons and tons of inspiration to work on my original fantasy novel, Both Sun and Moon, so I spent all of my time working on that instead of this.  School finally started up again, and I started having very little free time.  What little free time I did have was still spent working on Both Sun and Moon.  I'm also involved in tons of extracurricular activities this year, so at that point in time, I was involved in Sci-Fi Club, Literary Magazine, Poetry Club, Bonsai Club, Bibliophiles Club, my church choir (which is right now busy getting ready for a mission trip we're going on next summer to Germany, Austria, and the Czech Republic), the community choir around here, voice lessons, and volunteering at a local animal shelter.  And, you see, there's this guy.  I've liked him for nearly two and a half years now.  However, for various reasons, we have not been able to get together.  This autumn marked the first time that he wasn't taken, though.  So that meant I could make my move.  But it was delayed because of various reasons having to do with a certain evil bitch from his past.  I'm just not even going to get into it because I'll start ranting and never stop.  But so anyway, time was spent on the phone with him and trying to get him to realize, "Hey…  This Allee girl who was the first girl from her school that I met is actually really cool!  I should ask her out."  Then, there were play auditions for a really awesome play, Dark of the Moon.  I ended up getting one of the biggest parts.  So that meant that I ended up living in the school auditorium and having practices all the time.  Then, I finally was able to ask that one guy to homecoming, and he said yes.  A week afterwards, he asked me out.  That made me happy.  But there were some problems (once again due to the evil bitch from his past).  So worrying about that took up time.  Also around that time, I started getting an idea for a new story…  I'll probably be posting the first two chapters to that pretty soon.  It's an original romance/fantasy type-thing.  It should be pretty cool.  An original approach at telling the story, at least.  Then I had a concert with my community choir, and since the play was coming up soon, I was at school until eight every night rehearsing.  Then I had the play weekend, and right after that was Thanksgiving.  We were running around a ton then, and when I did work, it was either on Both Sun and Moon, the new romance I'm starting, or the tiniest bit on "The Unbeatable".  We got back and all the teachers started deciding to murder us with projects and tests and stuff before finals.  I'm dead serious when I say that over one period from a Thursday evening to Monday evening, I got fifteen hours of sleep total.  Anyway, then we had finals.  Those finished today.  So now I'm on Christmas break!!!!!!!!!  I'm so happy!  I don't have to think about physics anymore!  I can write!  The only problem is that I have four stories to write for…  Grr.  I just don't have enough time for anything.  So I really am sorry that I haven't updated very much, but I just have not had enough time to even think.  And from what I can tell, next semester won't be any better.  I'm going to be in Man of la Mancha, and though my part isn't nearly as big as it was in Dark of the Moon, there will be four months of practices.  So yeah.  I'll update when I can, but it's hard.  I hate school.

Chapter 4 – Fate of the Animorphs Universe

            There was another pop, and as the smoke cleared away, lots of giggling was heard.  The Animorphs-universe characters and Harry Potter-universe characters looked at each other in confusion.

            "I thought that you said that the game was going to start!" complained Ron.

            "I did.  But I changed my mind.  I wanted some more people to show up," Allee replied.

            Marco smacked his hand to his forehead and shook his head sadly.

            The smoke drifted away, and two girls walked out.  The older one almost looked like a Weasley with her wavy red hair and freckles.  She was taller than Shawna, Allee, and the other new girl, but only by a couple inches.  Her blue eyes sparkled with excitement as she looked around the room.  The second girl had light brown hair with bright green streaks, turquoise eyes, and black wire rim glasses.  The two new girls grinned and walked up to Shawna, giggling.

            Nagini hissed and uncoiled, her eyes glittering as she eyed the three girls.

            "She says she's hungry," Harry translated uncertainly.

            "She's not eating my friends!"  Allee shrieked.

            "Yeah!" the one with green in her hair said.  "She's not eating us!"

            "May I ask what your names are?" Ginny asked warily.

            "You can call me Lenny," the redhead responded.

            "And I'm Cassi," the other new girl said.

            "Speaking of which," Allee added, "having two Cassies is confusing.  True, they spell their names differently, but it's confusing nonetheless.  Therefore…"  She affixed a dramatic pause before continuing, "from this point forth, Cassie will be known as Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob."

            The four girls exploded into bouts of evil laughter, and Cassie – that is, Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob – gaped at them in horror.  The other Animorphs, Ellimist, the Gryffindors, and Hagrid gave her looks of pity, but the Slytherins and Wormtail snickered.  Crayak began chanting, "The killer with a conscience is now the loser with a weird name!  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"

            "You can't do this to…  Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob!"  Jake cried angrily.

            "What did you just call me?" Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob demanded, lunging toward him.  Rachel reached out a restraining hand and held her back.

            "I'm sorry…  I tried to say your real name, but I couldn't!" Jake appealed, taking a few steps forward and to the right to get closer to her.  "I was thinking it, but it came out as 'Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob'!  I don't know what happened!"

            Allee, Shawna, Cassi, and Lenny burst into more peals of laughter.  "It's because her name isn't Cassi!  That's my name!" Cassi giggled.

            "If we had simply told you that you couldn't call Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob by Cassi's name anymore, you wouldn't have listened.  So I had to make a few new rules for you.  It's now impossible to call Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob by anything other than 'Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob' until I say otherwise.  Anyway, Crayak, it's your team's turn now."

            "What?" Ron challenged.  "In chess, white always goes first!"

            "White did go first, though," Lenny said.  "Look at Jake."

            Sure enough, Jake, who had taken the place of a knight, had moved in the general L-shape that knights move in when he moved to talk to Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob.

            "Oh, bloody hell!" Hermione exclaimed.  As soon as she realized what she had said, she covered her mouth, her eyes wide.

            "Who's the one cursing now?" Ron laughed.

            "It seems that the mudblood isn't as good as she appears on the outside," Draco taunted.

            "Don't call her a mudblood!" Ron, Harry, Ginny, and Hagrid yelled simultaneously.  Ron pushed past the pawns in front of him to leap at Draco.

            What is a mudblood? Ax queried.

            Your guess is as good as mine, Ax-man, Tobias replied.

            "WAIT!" Shawna exclaimed.  "RON, THAT IS AN ILLEGAL MOVE!  CRAYAK HAS NOT HAD HIS TURN YET!"  As if to punctuate her remark, Belle the Dachshund started yapping.

            "Go get him, Belle," Lenny said as Shawna put the dog on the ground and Belle began chasing after Ron's feet.

            Ron yelped as he ran back to his place, running with his feet going as high as they could to avoid Belle's fangs.

            "Oh, leave him alone, you beastly dog!" Hermione called.  However, she did not move from her place.

            "HE'S NOT BEASTLY!" both Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob and Hagrid yelled.  Surprised that they had both been thinking the same thing, they both turned back to each other and grinned.

            "Fighting between players on the Ellimist's team, that really cannot be a good sign," Cassi noted.

            "Alright, alright," Allee said.  "That's enough.  Crayak, make your move before I turn everybody on your team into Ketrans!"

            Every single bit of color drained from Crayak's rosy little-girl cheeks.  "You wouldn't."

            "Oh, yes, I would," Allee said.

            "And she would enjoy it, too!" Lenny called, sending the four girls into fit of laughter.  Again.

            "HA!  Take that, loser!  Loser, loser, double-loser, as if, whatever, get the picture, duh!" Ellimist gloated.

            "What are these 'Ketrans' the girl threatens to turn us all into?" Snape asked sarcastically.

            The room fell silent, except for Ellimist, who continued to chant the second-grade insult.  Crayak glared at the ceiling where Allee's voice seemed to come from, and the three other girls grinned maliciously.  When nobody answered, Rachel looked around and raised her hand.  "Oh, oh," she said.  "I know!  I know!  Pick me!"

            "How does she know, but Hermione doesn't?" Ron whispered to Ginny.  In reply, Ginny simply shrugged.

            "After I died," Rachel began, but Tobias cut her off.

            You're not dead.

            "I know I'm not dead anymore.  But I was.  So there.  Anyway, like I was saying, after I died, Ellimist told me the story of his life.  He has not always been all-powerful.  He was born a mortal."

            All of the Animorphs characters gasped and looked at Ellimist.  He shrugged nonchalantly.  "It's not like it's that big of a deal, you know," he said.

            "He belonged to a now-extinct race called the Ketrans," continued Rachel.

            "DUDE!" Marco exclaimed.  "Yes, let's turn Crayak and all his little helpers into baby Ellimists.  That would rock!"  All of the Animorphs characters cheered while the Harry Potter characters looked about in confusion.

            "NEVER!" Crayak thundered, stamping her feet and flipping her two pigtails.  She didn't look very threatening.

            Nagini hissed evilly.

            Harry sighed before saying, "She says that she will remain a snake because her master loves snakes, not aliens."  Harry rolled his eyes, but was unable to say anything else.

            "Precisely!" Wormtail agreed.  "And I cannot serve him if I am not a human!"

            "I have told you before," Crayak grumbled, "I am your new master.  Now obey me when I tell you to move two spaces forward."

            Wormtail was a simple pawn on the chessboard, standing in front of the queen.  Because it was his team's first turn, the pawn could move two spaces instead of their normal one.

            "Fine.  Whatever.  I don't care."  Wormtail grudgingly moved to his new space.

            A few moves later, most of the pawns on both sides were out into the open middle, allowing the more powerful pieces in the back to move.

            "Alright, Ginny, I want you to move to the edge over there," Ron called out to his sister, a bishop.

            The young redhead looked to where her brother was pointing.  Nagini was coiled in a pile there.  "Sweet!" she exclaimed.  She pranced across the board and paused in front of Nagini.  The snake hissed.

            "She says that you can't do anything to her without her master exacting revenge," Harry translated flatly.

            Ginny paused for a second, quiet and brooding over Nagini's announcement.  However, she then said, "You know, personally, I don't think that even You-Know-Who could do anything to me if Allee and her friends didn't want him to."  With those words, she kicked Nagini out of the way as hard as she could.  Nagini hissed as she flew off the ground and toward the side, landing near the Animorphs not playing in the game.  She drew back her head, bared her fangs, and struck at Ax.

            However, she then disappeared.

            "She's annoying, and now she's out of the game, so I sent her back to Voldemort," Allee said simply.  "If we need her again, we'll simply bring her back."

            "The master will not be pleased when she tells him that she was kicked by the Weasley…" Wormtail muttered.

            "Oh, shut up, will you?  It's a game of wizard's chess.  That's what happens," Ron pointed out.

            "Anyway, I am your master now," Crayak said evilly.  Everybody else just tried to hide their laughter at the sight of the little girl speaking evilly.

            Tobias' sight was drawn to Harry, who was motioning helplessly at his throat.  Uh…  I think the guy who can talk to snakes is trying to say something.

            Everybody turned to look at Harry, who was now making serpentine motions with his hands, then once again pointing at his throat.

            "What?  I can't tell what you're saying.  Speak up, Harry!" Lenny said.

            Harry shook his head, obviously frustrated.

            "He can't talk, remember, Lenny?" Cassi reminded her.

            "Oooh, charades!" Shawna exclaimed.  She watched Harry's movements for a second.  "Okay, okay.  Snake…  Throat…  Something coming out of your throat.  Voice?  Yes, okay, snake and voice.  Harry, we all already know that you're a Parseltongue."

            "This isn't getting us anywhere," Cassi complained.

            "I have an idea!" Allee said.

            "Why am I getting a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach because she said that?" Rachel asked.

            "I can just look through his thoughts!  Being an all-powerful fanfic author doesn't just mean that I can force people to do random stuff; it also means that I can see what every single one of you is thinking!"

            Everybody in the room froze, looking fearfully at each other.

            "Since when did Allee become a Leeran?" Marco joked weakly.  The Animorphs-universe people giggled faintly, acknowledging the joke, but too worried to laugh.

            "Uh…  Allee, old buddy, you're not looking at what we're thinking about, right?" Shawna asked.

            "Nope, don't worry.  I'm just going to look at what Harry's thinking about…  Let's see here."

            There was a pregnant pause during which everybody looked pityingly at Harry, who appeared as though he wanted to just disappear like Nagini.

            "Okay…  Uh…  A bunch of random thoughts about how much he misses his parents, a memory of him winning Quidditch, thoughts about the evilness of blast-ended skrewts…"

            "My skrewts ehn't evil!" Hagrid exclaimed, glaring at Harry.

            "Thoughts about how everybody from the Animorphs universe are idiots…"

            All the Animorphs characters eyed Harry with malice.  Harry went pale and cowered.

            "Many different ideas on how to best torture Snape and not get caught…"

            Snape became livid.  "Think you can torture me?  How dare you!  I'll have you expelled for sure, this time."

            "EWW!" Allee suddenly exclaimed.  "That's just wrong."

            "What's wrong?" Lenny asked.

            Allee was quiet for a moment.  "I found his imaginings on seeing Cho Chang naked."

            The room was silent for a moment as Harry went beet-red.  "That is wrong…" Cassi said.

            Without her artificial clothing?  What is wrong with that? Ax questioned.

            "HE HAS IMAGINED CHO CHANG NAKED???" Ginny screeched, glowering angrily at Harry.

            "Oh, don't worry about it," Allee said, trying to cheer her up.  "He also thinks that you have a cute butt."

            Now it was Ron's turn to explode.  "WHAT???????????  WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DOES THE STUPID PRAT THINK ABOUT MY SISTER???????????????"  He lunged toward Harry.

            Shawna released Belle, who started yapping and biting at Ron's ankles.  "Illegal move!" Shawna bellowed.

            During all of this time, Ginny turned deeper and deeper scarlet, but she seemed to be trying to hide a smile.  Harry, besides desperately trying to avoid Ron, kept casting worried looks at her as he also turned dark red.

            Wormtail, Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle were simply laughing hysterically.

            "Oh, get back into place, Ron," Allee commanded.  With a popping noise, he flew back to the chess square he had previously been standing in.  "Anyway, I found what I was looking for.  He was trying to tell us that he wants to talk, but he can't now that Nagini is gone."

            "Oooh, that makes sense," Lenny, Shawna, and Cassi said together.

            Harry nodded emphatically.

            "Fine, you can speak if you want.  There.  Now you can," Allee sighed.

            "Ginny, I am sooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry," Harry said immediately.  "And Ron, I'm sorry, but she is a girl, even if she is your sister.  On top of that, she is a very amazing, very sweet girl.  And I care about her."  Harry turned back to Ginny.  "Ginny, since you kind of sort of know what I think now, will you please be my girlfriend?"

            "I'd love to," she grinned.

            "That's adorable!" Rachel exclaimed.

            "You two make a good couple," agreed Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob.

            "NOW WAIT JUST ONE SECOND!" Ron hollered.  "GINNY, HE THINKS YOU HAVE A CUTE BUTT!"            "So?" she countered.

            "Anyway," Harry said slyly.  "It's not like you don't think the same thing about Hermione."

            Hermione gasped, and Ron turned scarlet.  She looked at him, searching his eyes for confirmation, and, unfortunately, found it.

            "I'm ashamed of both of you, Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley!" she yelled.  "You two are both so perverted!  Both such…  _guys_!"

            Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob, Rachel, Ginny, Shawna, Cassi, Lenny, and Allee cracked up.

            "So true!" Lenny managed to squeak through peals of laughter.

            "Guys are perverts!" Allee giggled.

            "_Stupid _perverts," Rachel agreed.

            I resent that remark, Tobias said.

            "It's true!" Cassi said.

            "And _I'm _accused of sometimes stereotyping girls…" Marco grumbled.

            The bickering continued for a few more minutes until everybody calmed down, until which point Allee finally regained order.  "It's time to finish the game," she said.  "Crayak!  Your turn."

            The chess battle raged on.  Crabbe, Goyle, and Hagrid were all taken by the opposite side, consequently being zapped back to where they belonged by Allee.  Crayak was losing drastically, most of his powerful pieces penned into small spots, and almost all of his pawns taken.  At last, when Jake the rook moved in front of Crayak, Ellimist announced, "Check."

            The room grew silent as everybody watched intently.

            Crayak took a step sideways, out of the line of danger.  However, Marco the bishop moved, and Crayak was once again in check.  He looked around desperately, but there was no way out of danger.  Jake, Marco, and Ron penned him in.

            "Checkmate," Ellimist said.

            "NO!" Crayak yelled, stamping her foot stubbornly.  "I haven't lost!  I don't want to lose!  I want control of the Animorphs universe!!!!!!!!!!"  She started crying loudly and rolling around on the floor, beating her fists against the marble.  She was the stereotypical spoiled brat putting up a temper tantrum.

            "I have control of the universe, and you don't!  Nanny, nanny, boo-boo!" Ellimist mocked.

            The Animorphs broke into cheers.  No longer did they have to worry about the evil Crayak.

            "Well, fine," Crayak pouted.  "If I can't control the Animorphs universe, I'll control this one!"  She turned to Wormtail.  "Take me to your leader," she commanded.

            "Sorry," Cassi said from across the room, "but I think Voldemort kind of wants control of this universe for himself."

            "DON'T SAY THE NAME!" Ron yelled.

            "Bye, Crayak," Allee said.  "I'm sending you back to the Animorphs universe now so that you can pack up and leave it."

            "Wait!" he said desperately.  "Aren't you going to change me back to my normal form first?!?"

            Allee was thoughtful for a moment.  Lenny, Cassi, and Shawna looked into the ceiling, shaking their heads.

            "No, I'm not going to.  Bye, Crayak.  Enjoy finding a new universe to take over."  Allee laughed maniacally and with a pop, Crayak disappeared.

            "For whatever reason, I have a feeling that we still haven't seen the last of him," Jake whispered to the other Animorphs.  They nodded gravely.

            "You can leave, too, Ellimist," said Allee.  There was another pop, and he disappeared as well.

            "As for the rest of you," Allee said, "We will be taking a short break, during which time I will consult the readers of this fic to figure our what the next contest will be, and what the stakes will be for.  I'll bring you back to the charms classroom, and then you guys have free reign of the school until I pull you back to wherever I am again so that we can start the next contest."

            "Finally, we can get away from the psychos!  Just wait until my father hears about the nutcases Dumbledore has been keeping in the school," Draco muttered.

            There was a popping noise, and the group appeared again in the charms classroom.  Allee was once again visible in her normal physical self.  Snape, Draco, and Wormtail ran out of the room as quickly as they could, giving terrified looks over their shoulders as though they thought that Allee and her three psycho friends would summon them back again.  Ginny and Harry slowly walked toward each other, and Harry took her hand.  They walked out of the room, seemingly in their own world and ignorant of the evil looks Ron continued to send them.  The Animorphs stood there somewhat awkwardly, unsure of what to do and where to go.

            "I suppose that if you would like a tour of the castle, I can lead you on one," Hermione offered, avoiding Ron's eyes.

            "Yeah, that would be great," Jake said.  "Thanks."

            "Hermione, I'm sorry!" Ron exclaimed.  "The fact that I think you have a cute butt is a compliment!"

            "That's what I always tell the girls, yet they never believe me," Marco grumbled.

            She opened her mouth as though she were about to start yelling again, but to everyone's surprise, said, "I accept your apology, Ron."

            "You do?" he asked, confused.

            Allee typed furiously away on her laptop, Lenny, Cassi, and Shawna beaming as they watched what she wrote.

            "Yes…  Because I love you!  I've always loved you!"  Her face turned red.  "What made me say that???" she asked in horror.

            Ron looked at her in surprise.  "I love you, too, Hermione," he admitted.  He couldn't believe how easily it came out when he said it.  However, he had always thought that he would say it at a better time.

            "You do?" Hermione asked.  "Well then, why didn't you just tell me?!?"

            "Why didn't you tell me?" Ron countered.

            "Oh, no, Allee," Lenny groaned, "you were supposed to get him to ask her out!  Not get them into another fight!"

            "Oops."

            "You should have told me first!"

            "I would have if you weren't so much of a hard-headed git!"

            "Not as much as you!"

            "No!"

            "Yes!"

            "No!"

            "Yes!"

            The two walked out of the room, bickering.

            If we follow them, perhaps she'll eventually give us the tour she offered… Tobias suggested.

            "Maybe," agreed Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob.  The six Animorphs followed Ron and Hermione out of the room.

            "NOT SO FAST, MARCO!" Allee, Lenny, and Shawna all said at once.  Realizing what the others had said, they all looked at each other and yelled, "HE'S MINE!  YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM!"

            "What?" Marco asked.

            Lenny and Shawna each grabbed an arm, whereas Allee grabbed him around the waist.  The three started pulling, each trying to wrest him away from the other two.

            "Allee, it's not fair!  You have Michael!" Lenny said, mentioning Allee's boyfriend back in the real universe.

            Allee paused.  "True.  But you have Jared.  And Shawna, you have Benji!"

            The three girls sighed sadly, letting Marco go.  He ran quickly away from them, muttering something about psycho chicks.

            "I suppose that means I can't go out with George Weasley, either," Allee said sadly.

            The three sighed again, long expressions on their faces.

            "Ahem.  I'm sorry to break this touching moment," Cassi said, "but Allee, I'm still waiting.  You _promised_."

            "Oh, right."  Allee entered some new text onto her laptop, and with a popping noise, Remus Lupin appeared in the room.

            "Remie-kins!" Cassi cried happily, firmly attaching her arms around him.

            "What?"

            "Hi.  My name is Cassi.  I'm your new girlfriend from a different galaxy.  Want to go down to Hogsmeade and have some butterbeer?" Cassi bubbled.

            "Uh…  Yes?" Remus answered uncertainly.

            "Okay, let's go!" Cassi said, dragging Remus toward the door.  Reaching it, she stopped and turned around.  "I'll see you guys after the break!  Bye!"  She once again turned and led Remus down the hall.

            "Well, that's that," Allee said.  "See you guys in a bit."

            "Yeah, bye!" Lenny said.

            "Sayonara!" Shawna added.  With that, the three disappeared, leaving the charms room empty.

A/N:  Okay, you heard me!  You guys get to pick the next tournament, and what the tournament will decide.  I'm no longer allowed to tell you to vote in your review, but if you _suggest _it, it's not my fault, is it?  Or, you can email me your ideas at MyLittlePony204@hotmail.com.  So yeah.  I'll try and update soon!

Oh, and just for you guys' information:  On FFN, Shawna is Ami of Destiny; Lenny is gwenalyn; and Cassi is Lady Lupin.  Read their stuff.  It's really good!


	5. Psychotic Natures Revealed

A/N:  Penguins will NOT take over the world.  The radioactive loons will!  The loons will defeat the penguins.  And thank you sooo much to everybody who sent in ideas for contests and such; they were all awesome, and I'll be using most of them in time.

Chapter 5 – Psychotic Natures Revealed

            A few hours later, Allee popped into the room, pulled out her computer, and typed in a few things.  Shawna appeared suddenly, followed by Cassi, who was still hugging Remus.  Allee typed a few more words, and Lenny appeared.

            However, she was not alone.

            Lenny was lip-locked with a tall guy with brown hair and brown eyes.  From the looks of them, they had been kissing for quite a while now.

            Shawna, Cassi, Remus, and Allee were quiet for a moment, but then Cassi coughed in order to, hopefully, get Lenny and the guy she was with to realize that they were no longer alone.

            They broke apart, looking around in surprise.  Both of them turned crimson.

            "I take it that the looking-him-right-in-the-eye idea did work, then, after all," Allee commented.  "Congratulations, Jared!  It's good that you finally kissed her!"

            Jared looked at his feet, mumbling something incomprehensible.

            "It was that idea, right, Lenny?" Allee prodded.

            "…Yes…"

            "Good!  See?  See?  I was right!  Tell me everything that happened," Allee babbled.

            Lenny turned even redder and suddenly became very interested in looking at her nails.

            "Allee, I believe that they may be slightly embarrassed," Remus pointed out.

            "Oh, I know that already.  Quiet with you."

            Tapping her foot, Allee said, "If you're not going to tell me, I could just go rewrite the part where you two show up and kiss in front of all of us over and over again for forever and ever."

            Lenny's head snapped back up.  "You wouldn't!"

            "Oh, yes, I would.  Details.  Now."

            "Allee, don't you think that that may be going a bit far?" Remus asked quietly in his talking-to-dangerous-psychos voice.

            Allee, Shawna, and even Cassi immediately turned on him.  "NO, IT WOULDN'T!  WE WANT DETAILS!"

            "Oh, okay, I was just making sure…" he stammered, shrugging helplessly at Jared and Lenny.

            "No, you were just being annoying," Allee said crossly.  She tapped a few keys on her keyboard, and suddenly Remus changed.

            "Hey!  I'm sixteen again!" he yelped.

            Cassi let out a delighted giggled and pulled him in even closer.

            "Yeah, and the point in changing you was to get you to shut up," Allee pointed out.  "But anyway, Lenny…?"

            Jared seemed to have finally composed himself enough to look around and speak.  "Um, Lenny, where are we and how did we get here?  And how in the world do you know, this, uh…"  He faltered, unable to think of a word to describe the oddity that was Allee.

            "Um, remember the story that I told you about that mentioned you?" Lenny stammered.

            "Yes, but what does that have to do with-"

            "Well, now, you're not only mentioned, but you're in it, too."

            "SWEET!  I'm famous!  I'll be signing autographs afterwards, no need to rush forward all at once," he assured Allee, Shawna, and Cassi.  "I'm famous, I'm famous, I'm famous…"  He started chanting while doing some odd sort of jig.

            Lenny shot a panicked look at Allee, who was tapping her toe and looking at her watch impatiently.  "I'm waiting," Allee said.

            "Uh, right, Jared," Lenny said, cutting him off before he could start a second verse to his song.  "Meet Allee, the fanfic writer."

            "Oh, you're the one writing this?  I just want to say, thank you sooooooooooo much for inserting me.  Without you, I could have never gotten to where I am today, and-"

            "Jared.  There's a slight problem.  Allee here is kind of in control of the entire situation.  She wants us to spill the details of, uh, what happened a few minutes ago."

            "We just won't tell her, then."

            "Oh, I think you will tell us," Shawna, Cassi, and Allee laughed.

            Lenny smacked her hand to her head.  "Jared, as the author of the fanfic, Allee is all-powerful.  She's threatening to make us keep kissing in front of them until we tell them…"

            Jared stopped grinning.  "Oh."

            "Right."

            The couple was silent for a moment, both of their faces flushing as they thought about it.

            "Time's up!" Allee crowed.  With an evil snicker, she typed into her computer.

            A few hours later, Allee popped into the room, pulled out her computer, and typed in a few things.  Shawna appeared suddenly, followed by Cassi, who was still hugging Remus.  Allee typed a few more words, and Lenny appeared.

            However, she was not alone.

            Lenny was lip-locked with a tall guy with brown hair and brown eyes.  From the looks of them, they had been kissing for quite a while now.

            Shawna, Cassi, Remus, and Allee were quiet for a moment, but then Cassi coughed in order to, hopefully, get Lenny and the guy she was with to realize that they were no longer alone.

            They broke apart, looking around in surprise.  Both of them turned crimson.

            "Allee, this is so unfair!  You can't just keep making us kiss in front of everybody over and over!" Lenny complained, her face even redder than her hair.

            "Yeah, what she said!" Jared protested.  "I'm famous; it's embarrassing to be seen like this in front of all of my loyal fans!"

            "We.  Want.  Details!"  Shawna, Cassie, and Allee exclaimed, laughing hysterically.

            "But-"

A few hours later, Allee popped into the room, pulled out her computer, and typed in a few things.  Shawna appeared suddenly, followed by Cassi, who was still hugging Remus.  Allee typed a few more words, and Lenny appeared.

            However, she was not alone.

            Lenny was lip-locked with a tall guy with brown hair and brown eyes.  From the looks of them, they had been kissing for quite a while now.

            Shawna, Cassi, Remus, and Allee were quiet for a moment, but then Cassi coughed in order to, hopefully, get Lenny and the guy she was with to realize that they were no longer alone.

            They broke apart, looking around in surprise.  Both of them turned crimson.

            "But what if I don't want to tell them to you guys?!" Lenny objected.

            "I'll make you guys kiss again," Allee warned.

            "But-"

A few hours later, Allee popped into the room, pulled out her computer, and typed in a few things.  Shawna appeared suddenly, followed by Cassi, who was still hugging Remus.  Allee typed a few more words, and Lenny appeared.

            However, she was not alone.

            Lenny was lip-locked with a tall guy with brown hair and brown eyes.  From the looks of them, they had been kissing for quite a while now.

            Shawna, Cassi, Remus, and Allee were quiet for a moment, but then Cassi coughed in order to, hopefully, get Lenny and the guy she was with to realize that they were no longer alone.

            They broke apart, looking around in surprise.  Both of them turned crimson.

            "That's it.  Lenny, your friends are psychopaths.  I'm getting out of here," Jared announced as he ran out of the classroom, slamming the door behind him.

            Shawna, Cassi, and Allee collapsed onto the floor, laughing so hard that their sides hurt.  Remus, as a sixteen-year-old Marauder again, cackled as well.

            Lenny gaped at the closed door.  "Thanks a lot, Allee," she muttered.

            "Oh, don't worry about it," Allee giggled.  "It's us that he doesn't like now, not you."

            "I guess…"

            "The only time I've ever seen anybody more embarrassed was when Sirius, James, Peter, and I charmed Snape's underwear to sing and dance to "I'm Too Sexy" and multiplied it so that there were hundreds of singing, dancing pink boxers with 'Severus Snape' written on them in big 

            "We're still waiting for the details," Shawna reminded.

            Lenny heaved a sigh, rolling her eyes.  "I was going to tell you, but I just wanted to do it _later_," she complained.

            "Why later?" Cassi queried.

            "I can tell you the details, but not right now, in front of _them_," Lenny replied.  As she spoke, she raised her hand toward the ceiling.  Everybody followed her finger to look at the ceiling.  For just a split second, where the ceiling was supposed to be, they saw the faces of Allee's thousands of adoring fans reading the story on their computers.  (A/N:  lol, I flatter myself.  Try maybe the ten or fifteen adoring fans who may not even be adoring…  *sigh*  If only I could control the outside world, too…)

            "Ohh," Cassi said knowingly.  "That's why."

            "Yes, _that's_ why," Lenny answered.

            "Okay, I understand," Allee sighed.  "But you still have to tell us _everything _at the first chance you get."

            "Definitely" Lenny agreed.

            "Girls," Remus muttered.  "I'll never understand them."

            "Okay, so what have we decided the next contest will be?" Shawna asked.

            "Let me bring in the players, and I'll announce it," Allee said, typing more into her computer.

            There was a pop, and the Animorphs appeared in the room.  Realizing that the "games" were about to start again, the groaned.  There was another pop, Harry appeared, soon followed by the Weasley twins, Katie Bell, Angelina Johnson, Alicia Spinnet, and Oliver Wood.

            For everybody but Harry, who just shook his head sadly, there were murmurs of surprise, especially when they noticed Oliver, who had graduated two years before.

            "You may want to explain to them what's going on," Harry suggested, finally resigned to the fact that until Allee decided to end her torture, there was nothing he could do but go along with it.  "By the way, I don't suppose you have anything to do with the loony prat running down the halls and screaming about the crazy girls who brought him here, do you?"

            All the Harry Potter characters other than Remus and Harry himself looked at each other with utter confuddledness.

            "Hello!" Shawna exclaimed, waving at the newly-arrived Harry Potter characters.

            The three girls gave a half-hearted wave back, looking confusedly at one another.

            "My name is Allee," Allee said.  "I'm here from another universe, where I'm writing a story that combines the characters from my two favorite book series, Harry Potter and Animorphs.  This story really has no plot, other than to play a bunch of games, contests, tournaments, et cetera to decide certain questions about both books.  We've already played one game, and now we're going to play another."

            "Correction," Lenny muttered.  "This story has no plot other than to let Allee embarrass you as much as she can.  And she can embarrass you a lot, believe me."

            "Oh, and it's also to get me and Remus together!" Cassi exclaimed, hugging the teacher.

            Harry squinted at the couple, focusing on sixteen-year-old Remus.  "Professor Lupin, is that you?!"

            The Harry Potter characters gasped and looked more closely at the person they had thought to be a stranger.

            "It is!" Fred chortled.  "That's really Professor Lupin!"

            "My, my, my," George admonished.  "Professor, aren't you a bit young to have a mid-life crisis and try to make yourself look younger?"

            "Allee brought me here a while ago, but got mad and made me this age…" Remus shrugged.

            "So anyway, what do we have to do with this?" Oliver asked, gesturing at his fellow residents of the Harry Potter universe.

            "Quidditch!" Cassi exclaimed.

            "Excellent," Oliver replied, his eyes lighting up.

            Allee shrugged.  "Since J. K. Rowling has been slow about writing the fifth Harry Potter book, I don't know who the new captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team is.  So I just decided to use the old one."

            Wait a second, Tobias interrupted.  What are you people babbling about?  Kwech?

            It is not an English word, Ax agreed.

            "Quidditch," Oliver corrected.  "It's a game.  Don't tell me you haven't heard of it before!"

            "I can't say we have," Rachel said dryly.

            "Well, it's played like this…" Oliver began, automatically beginning to explain it to them.

            "Oh, God, here he goes again," Katie whined.

            "You guys _really _shouldn't have said that you had never heard of it before…" Angelina added.

            "…There are seven players on each team, and…"

            "Wait," Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob interjected.  "There are only six of us."

            "Guess again," Allee giggled as she entered some text into her computer, causing there to be another pop and Erek King to materialize.

            "Uh-oh," Erek said mildly, looking around.  His gaze fell on Jake, and he looked away.  "What are _you _doing here?  I thought that you would be dead by now while trying to save Ax."

            Jake gritted his teeth.  "I did what I had to do."

            "Let's not fight," Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob pleaded.

            "Uh-oh?" Marco demanded.  "That's _all _you have to say about appearing in a strange universe?  '_Uh-oh_'?!"

            "I already suspected that something was up," Erek explained.  "A couple hours ago, Crayak's voice echoed throughout the galaxy, raging.  Something about some crazy girl who thought she was more powerful than him and therefore had kicked him out of the galaxy.  It was…  disturbing, to say the least.  The press is having a field day talking about the odd voice heard all over the planet, and, according to the Andalites, on their planet and all others they've been able to contact, as well as the taunting laugh from who I think was the Ellimist that followed Crayak's rant.  I figured that if the all-powerful beings were upset about something, the Animorphs had something to do with it."

            "Aren't you perceptive?" Marco commented dryly.

            "Can I get a full explanation?"

            All the eyes fell on Allee.

            "You guys can explain it to him.  I'm tired," Allee said, yawning.  "Tell him everything that's happened.  I'm sure Fred and George, Oliver, Katie, Angelina, and Alicia would appreciate it, too.  After that, Oliver, explain to them how to play Quidditch."

            Fred and George looked at Allee in disbelief.  "You did _not _just say that," George said.

            "We're going to be here all night!" Fred whined.

            "You guys can use Oliver's babbling as a review," Allee said.  "You'll need to know how to play the game well:  When I come back, it's off to the Quidditch field.  Harry Potter characters against Animorphs characters.  Listen up!"

            Oliver had an excited, maniacal glint in his eye as he grabbed the Animorphs and Erek and started to explain to them every single miniscule detail of Quidditch.  The other Harry Potter characters sullenly followed, muttering amongst themselves.

            "You guys ready to go back to the real world and get some sleep?" Allee asked her friends.

            "Can Remus come with me?" Cassi asked, hugging him to her.  He seemed to be enjoying it, now that the confusion had worn off.

            "Yes."

            "Awesome!"  Cassi and Remus disappeared with a pop.  Shawna followed, yawning as she went.

            "Don't you think we should find Jared first?" Lenny asked with concern.

            "Don't worry about it," Allee assured her.  "I'm sure he'll be fine."

            "If you say so…"

            With a pop, the two girls disappeared back to the real world.

            In the meantime, Jared ran through the halls of Hogwarts.  "She can't do this to me!" he hollered, speaking of Allee.  "I'm famous!  I don't deserve this!  She's a psycho!"

            Suddenly, he tripped and fell over something furry.  The furry thing yowled loudly, running down the hall.  Jared sat up, recognizing the furry thing as a cat just before it turned the corner.

            "Dumb cat," he muttered.  "I'm trapped in a nuthouse.  What's with these pictures, anyway?" he asked, looking at the moving paintings on the wall.

            He heard footsteps.  A certain keeper of Hogwarts lurched into view, holding Mrs. Norris and trying to comfort her as she cowered from the guy who had stepped on her.

            "You stepped on my cat!" Filch exclaimed, grabbing Jared by his collar.  "And what are you doing out of uniform?  Dressed in Muggle clothes.  Pah.  Detention."

            Jared moaned as Filch started to drag him off.  "I'm famous, don't you recognize me?  You can't put me in detention…"

A/N:  Dude!  I updated!  Again!  And I think I may even kinda sorta have a weak plot other than torturing the characters now!  I'm so happiness!!!!  Please review!!!!!


	6. Guys Suck!

A/N:  Thank you guys soooooooo much for all the suggestions!!!!!  You'll find that I use them in the next few chapters…  :-D

Chapter 6 – Guys Suck!

            "No, you don't understand," Jared pleaded.  "I don't go to this school.  I don't belong in this universe.  You have to let me go!"

            "Lying now, are we?  Where do you go, then, Durmstrang?  Then what are you doing in England in Hogwarts?" Filch shot back.

            "No, I go to a high school in Wisconsin," Jared whined.  "Some psycho girl dragged me here.  I didn't mean for it to happen…"

            "You came here to visit your girlfriend?  How sweet, but inapplicable.  You kicked my cat, and now you're going to detention."

            "But I don't go to this school!  And I've never had a detention before!  I don't deserve this treatment!  It's all Allee's fault!"

            "Allee, eh?  Is that your girlfriend's name?"

            "No, my girlfriend is a beautiful girl named Lenny.  Allee is her psycho, magical friend that brought me here.  I didn't do anything!  I'm not magical!"

            Filch froze, then he turned to look a Jared, a murderous gleam in his eye.  "Not magical?  Are you making fun of me?"  His voice rose to a pitch of hysteria.  "You're making fun of me because I'm a…  Because I'm a squib!"

            "You're a what?" Jared blurted out, confusion masking his face.

            "Don't act innocent now," Filch accused.  "Just because you can use a wand, you think you're better than me.  Well, I'll show you.  I'll show you.  We're going to go see Dumbledore."

            Still utterly baffled, Jared closed his eyes, trying to place the name.  "Dumbledore…  Dumbledore…  I've heard that name before…  Wait, isn't he the old guy that runs this nuthouse?  He's the dude who just died, and now they're going to get the dude from Lord of the Rings to play him, right?"

            "Inconsiderate students," Filch muttered.  He grasped Jared by the ear, causing the unfortunate guy to grimace.  "Just wait.  This could get you expelled, it could.  But perhaps Albus will allow me to use some good old torture devices, first…  That would teach you a lesson.  Let's go."  He started dragging Jared through the halls once again, this time headed for the headmaster's office.

            "Oh, no…"

            "…So, the seeker dives down, and…" Oliver droned on, ignorant of the fact that most of his audience had fallen asleep long ago.

            With a pop, Shawna and Lenny appeared in the room.  Shawna held Allee's laptop.  Looking around, Shawna asked, "Where's Cassi?"

            Lenny giggled.  "She'll be here in a while.  I think she and Remus may be, uh, 'occupied' right now…"

            "Ooh, you mean like you and Jared were 'occupied' when Allee made you show up in the last chapter?"

            Lenny turned bright red and fell into a peculiar fit of coughing.  "Yeah, I guess…"

            The sound of voices talking about something other than Quidditch seemed to rouse the random book characters, and they clumped together in a futile attempt to protect themselves from the two equally scary presences in the room:  Allee's two friends (or henchmen, as the case may be), and Oliver, now talking about the Wronski Feint.

            "Where's Allee?" Marco finally found the courage to ask, surprised to find that he actually missed her annoying company.

            "Uh…"  Lenny and Shawna shared a nervous glance before Lenny finally spoke up.  "She's in a bit of a…  predicament… right now, but she'll be here eventually.  She asked us to come and get everything ready while she's gone."

            Harry's eyes lit up in excitement.  "She's gone?  Really?  For how long?"

            "Don't get that excited," Shawna chastised.  "She'll be here pretty soon.  Time flows differently in the real world than it does here.  She just needs some time to get over something."

            "What happened to her?" Alicia asked.

            "Something," Shawna replied, being sufficiently ambiguous so as to completely confuse the book characters.

            "Anyway, let's go down to the Quidditch field and get you guys robed up," Lenny said.  "Allee will be here soon, and she just wants to assign the Animorphs and Erek their positions, and then let the game start."

            "Wonderful…" Jake muttered.

            "Oh, look on the bright side, fearless leader!" Marco chattered happily.  "Maybe you'll actually be good at this sport, and you'll be able to make a Quidditch team!  Since, you know, you totally suck at basketball.  And everybody knows that I crush you beneath my terrible thumbs in the magnificent sport of video games."

            "I don't suck at basketball!" Jake declared.

            "Yes, you do."

            "No, I don't."

            "Yes, you do."

            Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob rolled her eyes.  "Great.  Here they go again.  They'll be at it for the next five hours or so."

            "At least they aren't like Hermione and Ron," Harry commented.  "If they were, they would be fighting for the next week to a month, and it would get really nasty, too."

            "Yeah," Fred agreed.  "Ickle Ronnie-kins can get quite hotheaded when he fancies a girl."

            "And he _does_ fancy Hermione," George added.  "He just doesn't know it yet."

            "It's so obvious to everybody else," Katie sighed.  "Why can't they see it?  They need to get together."

            "We should find a way to get them to admit their feelings for one another!" Angelina bubbled.

            Shawna and Lenny exchanged a worried look.

            "Perhaps we could get a hold of that dwarf that Ginny used to send Harry that valentine a few years ago…" mused George.

            "Shh, Harry's not supposed to know it was her who sent it," Fred hushed.

            "Oh, I don't care," Harry said.  "We're dating now, anyway."

            Both Weasleys stopped talking and stared at Harry open-mouthed.

            "You're dating our sister?!" they both exclaimed simultaneously.

            "Well, yes."

            "It was so cute the way he asked her!" Rachel gushed, earning surprised stares from the other Animorphs and Erek for the unusual outburst of positive emotion.

            "CONGRATULATIONS!" the twins shouted at once, hugging their little sister's new boyfriend.  "This is great.  You do realize, however, that if you hurt her in any way, we will murder you in the slowest and most painful way imaginable, don't you?"

            Harry gulped.  "Yes, I do…"

            "Good," George grinned.

            "Anyway, back to getting Ron and Hermione to admit their feelings for one another…" Alicia said.

            Lenny bit her lip for a second before finally blurting out, "Allee already got them to do that…"

            "WHAT?!" everybody in the room except for Shawna exclaimed.

            "They admitted that they're in love with each other," Shawna clarified.  "And then they started fighting again.  Each thought that the other should have come out with it sooner."

            Harry slapped his hand to his forehead.  "They are so thick, I could honestly just strangle them sometimes…"

            "Isn't it sad?" Lenny asked.  "But anyway, we really should start toward the Quidditch field now."

            "Let's do it!" Rachel said with a maniacal smile as the crowd started to move toward the field.

            Marco suddenly broke out of his fight with Jake.  "Oh, God, she's said it.  Now we're all going to die.  I don't know how, but somehow we're going to die."

            These bludger-things sound nasty, Tobias commiserated.  They sound like they're even heavier than me!

            "They are nasty," Oliver said.  "They broke Harry's arm, once.  And then he lost all of the bones in it."

            "That hurt," Harry added.

            "Ooh, wait, I almost forgot to make the announcement," Shawna squealed.  She cleared her voice, then typed something into Allee's computer.  When she spoke again, it was in a loud voice that resonated around all of Hogwarts.  "Students and teachers of Hogwarts, please proceed to the Quidditch field immediately.  Classes for today are canceled.  Instead, you will attend the Quidditch game."

            Cheers went up in all of the classrooms surrounding the group, and doors flew open as ecstatic students filed out and raced for the Quidditch field.

            "By the way," Lenny said, "I don't suppose any of you know what's happened to Jared…?"

            Professor Dumbledore peered at Filch and Jared over the tops of his crescent-moon glasses.  

Jared trembled, quietly muttering to himself, "I don't belong here, I don't belong here, I don't belong here…"

At last, the aged wizard spoke.  "I'm afraid, Argus," he began, "that I have no choice but to believe the boy."

"WHAT?!" Filch exclaimed.

"I have heard reports of this same Allee girl from Professors McGonagall and Flitwick.  Apparently, she has shown extreme abilities with her "magic", and anybody who tries to stand up to her is powerless.

"Impossible," Filch hissed.

"Yet it's true," Dumbledore said.  "We have no choice but to let her do what she wants, and hope that nobody gets hurt too badly."

As he finished speaking, Shawna's voice echoed through the office.  "Students and teachers of Hogwarts, please proceed to the Quidditch field immediately.  Classes for today are canceled.  Instead, you will attend the Quidditch game."

With a shrug, Dumbledore nodded toward the exit.  "And it seems that Allee wishes we go to a Quidditch game.  After you, Argus."

"This is ridiculous," the squib grumbled.  "What should we do with the kid?"

The headmaster thought for a moment, then said, "We can't have him disturbing classes around here.  Just let him free in London."

"London?" Jared repeated weakly.  "How did I get myself into this?!"

The Animorphs, Erek, the Gryffindor Quidditch team, Lenny, and Shawna walked into the changing rooms by the Quidditch fields, only to find Ron and Hermione waiting for them.

"I thought that you might have something to do with the classes being canceled," Hermione accused Shawna and Lenny.

"Well, yeah, Allee asked us to," Lenny said.

"And I'm sure that you think that having the classes canceled is just horrible," Ron asked snidely.

"Oh, just shut it, will you?  Just shut it!"

"Now, now, stop fighting!" Shawna chastised.

Suddenly, there was a pop, and Allee appeared.  She was smiling faintly, but her eyes were red and tear-stains covered her cheeks.

"You feeling any better?" Lenny asked, looking at Allee with concern.

"Yeah, I guess," Allee said with a sad smile.

What happened? Ax questioned, his curiosity overcoming him.

"Michael, my boyfriend, broke up with me," Allee answered quietly.  "It turns out that he's been cheating on me for forever, and lying to me, and going around saying we did things that we most definitely did _not _do, and on top of all that, when he broke up with me, he didn't even have the guts to do it himself.  He had to have a couple of his friends do it for him.  And for a little over the next week, he denied that anything had happened, despite the fact that there was overwhelming evidence against him."

"What a weasel," Rachel spat.

"Definitely," Allee agreed.  "He is nothing more than an atrabilious, vermian faitour of a limicolous angletwitch who is probably dasypygal, anyway.  After all, what kind of gulosity motivates somebody to honeyfuggle on his girlfriend, to treat her like an ikbal?  His aprosexia makes him immoral and without ascesis.  His decision to ask me out must have been autoschediastic, based only on the fact that he thought I was callipygian.  His limerance was fake.  He could be likened to a bezoar, gross and disgusting, deserving of my ugsomeness.  He thinks he is splendid, but he is only blandiose and a nithing gamphrel.  He bloviates all the time, yet everything he says is a lie.  Just thinking of him gives me a.  I actually think that his Y chromosome may be decussate.  To top it all, he was too much of a meacock to break up with me on his own; he had to have friends do it for him, instead.  He is such a pronk!  He will no longer be my cockyolly bird, for I am going to go aucupating.  I may be comminatory, but it is a perfectly cromulent response to his shandy actions.  My axe and my ponytail will be the lovely objects that become his deodands.  When I finish with him, I will stand and fleer foudroyantly at the cruentation of his blood as it disembogues from the wounds.  What can I say?  I will dimidiate him.  Literally.  So what if my erethism is unhealthy?  It will be extremely fun watching the loons vaporize him.  Perhaps I will even make him ride a painful herrison!  And, as an ignicolist, it may be fun to set him on fire…  I will happily ignore his flagitation for his life as he curses me as a mackabroin.  He's probably dying already of grandgore he might have contracted from the belswagger he dated before me, anyway.  I just hope that I will not receive any funestation from inhuming his body.  Let him be a forbysen to all guys who dare cheat on, lie to, and slander their girlfriends.  Oh, and isn't this soliloquy logodaedaly?"

The entire group stared at Allee for a moment, uncomprehending.  They blinked once, then again.

At last, Oliver said, "Is that how everybody else feels when I go off about Quidditch?"

Dazed, everybody else present who had heard one of his Quidditch speeches nodded.

"Can somebody please translate?" George asked.

"Yeah, we don't speak Allee-ish," Fred added.

"Oh, seriously, don't tell me that you didn't understand that!" Hermione chided.  "It was all English!  Allee said, 'He is nothing more than an ill-tempered, wormlike cheat of a worm to be used as bait in fishing that lives in mud and is probably suffering from having too much hair on its butt, anyway.  After all, what kind of greediness motivates somebody to cheat on his girlfriend, to treat her like a member of a harem?  His abnormal inability to pay attention, characterized by an indifference to everything, makes him immoral and without the practice of self-discipline.  His decision to ask me out must have been spur-of-the-moment, based only on the fact that he thought I had a nice butt.  His falling in love with me was fake.  He could be compared to a small, hard mass formed in the stomachs of animals, like a hairball, gross and disgusting, deserving of my loathing.  He thinks he is splendid, but he only thinks he is grand, yet he is simply bland, and he is a despicable blockhead.  He brags all the time, but everything he says is a lie.  Just thinking of him gives me a sharp pain in the forehead like a nail being driven in.  I actually think his Y chromosome may be X-shaped.  To top it all, he was too much of a coward to break up with me himself; he had to have friends do it for him.  He is such a weak person!  He will no longer be my sweet little bird, here used in a figurative sense, for I am going to go bird hunting.  I may be vengeful, but it's a perfectly acceptable response to his stupid actions.  My axe and my ponytail will be the lovely objects that become the direct causes of his death.  When I finish with him, I will stand and loudly laugh jeeringly at the oozing of his blood after he's dead as it pours from the wounds.  What can I say?  I will divide him in half.  Literally.  So what if my unhealthy enthusiasm is unhealthy?  It will be extremely fun watching the loons vaporize him.  Perhaps I will even make him ride a wooden horse covered in spikes that was used as punishment in old armies.  And, as a fire worshipper, it may be fun to set him on fire…  I will happily ignore his pleading for his life as he curses me as an old hag.  He's probably already dying of syphilis he might have gotten from the slut he dated before me, anyway.  I just hope that I will not be poisoned by touching his dead body as I bury it.  Let him be an example to all guys who dare to cheat on, lie to, and slander their girlfriends.  Oh, and isn't this speech clever in word usage?'"  Hermione stopped to smile.  "It was quite clever, if I may say so myself, Allee."

"My God!" Marco exclaimed.  "You're crazy."

"And single," Allee said with a large smile.  "Of course, you or George could always fix that…"

"Just remind me to never make her mad," Fred whispered.

Humans are so violent! Ax lamented to no one.

"Anyway, now that I have that out of me," Allee said, "we can announce the positions of the Animorphs, and what this game will be for.  But, I think Cassi would want to see this…"

With a pop, Cassi and Remus appeared in the dressing room.  "What did we miss?" Cassi asked cheerily, trying to hide the bright purple bruise on her neck where, obviously, Remus had been enjoying himself.

"I'm about to announce the Animorphs' and Erek's positions," Allee said.  "And they are…"

"I'M FAMOUS!!!!  I SHOULDN'T BE TREATED LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!" Jared yelled after Filch's retreating form, shivering as he looked around the intimidating surroundings that were London.  "I HATE MAGIC!!!!  STUPID MAGIC ALLEE, STUPID MAGIC HOGWARTS, STUPID MAGIC EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  With that, he stood up and ran down the street, ranting about Hogwarts and its magic.

A/N:  BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  A cliffie!!!!  So now you must review!  Please?  Please?  I'll be your bestest friend!  Yeah.  Please?  Reviews make me happy.  And thanks to Lenny for helping me out with a fact or two for this chapter!


	7. Murderous Flying Balls

A/N:  Okay, first off, I just want to apologize because I haven't updated in sooooooooooooooooo long.  Between play practices (they lasted until seven every night), and school (evil), and being sick, and spending what little time I do have on my novel, I haven't been able to work on this.  HOWEVER, I would like to assure all of you that are sticking with the story that I do not plan on becoming one of those writers who never ever finish.  I will finish this one and the other two stories I'm posting on FFN and FPN if it's the last thing I do.  So yeah.  Secondly, I would like to thank all of you who extended their sympathies for Michael being an @$$, and especially to those of you who offered to beat him up for me.  Unfortunately, he ended up suddenly moving to Florida not long after I wrote this, so I haven't been able to kill him (yet), but it's okay.  You guys are the greatest, all of those reviews (as well as the ones that didn't mention him) made me smile.  *grins*  And I'm happy to announce that I'm completely over that %^*&$#!, and I actually now have a new boyfriend…  More about that later.  So yeah.  Now onto the chapter, since I know you guys all want to know the Animorphs' and Erek's Quidditch positions!

Chapter 7

            "…of course, the regular Quidditch positions."  Allee grinned.  "Okay, Marco, Jake, and Tobias?  You're the Chasers.  Ax is the Keeper.  Rachel and Erek, you two are the Beaters, and that leaves Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob as Seeker."

            Rachel began doing a victory dance, and grabbed a club from Fred.  "Ha!  I'm a beater!  Magic people, watch out!"

            The rest of the Animorphs exchanged a dark look.

            "Uh-oh.  That's all I'm going to say…" Marco muttered.

            Yeah.  That, and "Be afraid," Tobias added.  The Animorphs snickered.

            Erek, however, was still frozen in place, his jaw hanging open in astonishment as he looked at Allee.  "You have got to be kidding me!" he said.  "I can't be a beater!"

            "Why not?" Allee asked.

            Erek looked at the Animorphs, an incredulous look on his face.  As the other Animorphs realized what the problem was, they, too, looked at Allee in surprise.

            "Um…  Allee, Erek is programmed against all violence…" Jake said.

            "So?"

            "So that means he can't hit flying balls with clubs at other people, whether they're on the other team or not…"

            "Yeah, I know."  Allee smiled brightly.

            "That means we're at a disadvantage," Marco pointed out.

            This is very unfair, Allee, Ax added.

            "I agree," Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob said.  "Not only have we never flown on broomsticks before, but we also just learned how to play.  And now you're making one of our players useless."

            "Precisely!"

            Everybody gaped at Allee for a moment, except for Cassi, Shawna, and Lenny, who just giggled evilly.  Remus looked from Cassi to the Gryffindor team, unsure of who he should side with.

            "We're sorry, old chaps," George finally said.

            "Very sorry…" Fred added.

            Oliver was in shock.  He stared at Allee, his mouth hanging open, unable to tear his eyes away or wipe the expression of horror from his face.  At last he murmured, "That's horrible.  Just plain evil.  You can't torture them like that.  We would win in an instant.  No sport in that."

            "I wouldn't be so sure," Cassi crowed.  "Watching fictional characters be tortured by your crazed friend can actually be quite amusing!"

            Lenny and Shawna nodded in agreement.  "Besides," Shawna said, "they may turn out to be more talented than you think."

            Tobias squawked.  Um, excuse me?  Maybe I'm just not understanding something, but HOW THE HECK CAN WE BE TALENTED WHEN WE'VE NEVER PLAYED BEFORE, AND TWO OF US CAN'T EVEN SIT ON A BROOM?!?

            Lenny ignored Tobias, and continued talking to Oliver.  "And they have some tricks up their sleeves, I can promise you that."

            "What tricks?" Rachel demanded.

            I do not have any sleeves, Ax added.

            Jake and Marco simply groaned.

            "Okay, back on the subject of sitting on brooms," Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob said.  "It is a problem that Ax and Tobias can't sit on the broomsticks."

            "And it's a problem that I can't send murderous balls flying at anybody!" Erek yelled.

            "Just morph human," Allee said to Tobias and Ax.  "And Erek, well, it just sucks for you, doesn't it?"

            All the fictional characters slumped.

            "Anyway," Allee continued, "the game today will be mostly for you, Oliver.  If you play well and Gryffindor wins, you get a place on the Winbourn Wasps."

            Oliver's eyes filled his head and his jaw lowered even more.  "Really?"

            Allee nodded.  "Yup."

            Oliver turned back to his team.  "Alright, we absolutely have to win this.  I don't care what happens, as long as we win."  He turned around, grabbed a quill, and started drawing complicated figures on the chalkboard behind him to illustrate the strategies the team would use.  "We'll use a Wronski Feint first, and then-"

            "Hey, Mr. Quidditch," Marco said, "you don't need to plan.  We're going to lose.  It's as simple as that."

            "No," Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob protested.  "Lenny said that we have some tricks.  We may be able to do more than we think."

            "Would you like to explain how?" Rachel asked.

            "They might tell us…"

            "No," Allee cut in.

            "So we'll figure them out," Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob said.

            "Good luck," Katie, Angelina, and Alicia chorused.

            We're going to need it, Tobias muttered.

            "Oh, you'll do fine," Allee chided.  "Now, if we're all ready, you can go get in your robes, and grab your brooms, and come on out."

            We don't have any robes, Ax stated.

            "Yes, you do," Allee said, typing something into her laptop.  Suddenly seven bright turquoise robes appeared, each with a large Animorphs "A" on the back.  One was tiny, only a few inches long, but with very large armholes.  The other was large, oddly shaped, and had too many armholes.  "Ax, Tobias, go ahead and get suited up right now.  Those robes will morph with you once you go outside and morph."

            Um…  Okay…

            Everybody grabbed their robes and began walking to the dressing rooms, and Allee started typing on her computer again.  With a puff of smoke, a tall, skinny boy with very curly, very short hair appeared in the room.  He looked around in confusion for a moment, then focused on Allee.  "Oh no," he said.

            Allee started snickering, followed by Lenny.

            "Hi, Carl," Lenny laughed.  "Welcome to Hogwarts!"

            "Oh no," he repeated.  "Allee, what have you done now?"

            She shrugged.  "Nothing.  I just dragged you into one of my fanfics."

            "Oh no."

            "Oh yes."  Allee grinned.  "Now I can force you to like Animorphs and Harry Potter, whether you want to like them or not!"

            "Oh no."

            "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Allee and Lenny both laughed.

            "Um….  I'm confused," Cassi admitted.

            "Ditto," said Shawna.

            "Oh, sorry," Allee said, turning back to them.  "This is my boyfriend Carl.  He's really cool."

            "But of course," Carl interrupted.

            Allee looked at him and raised an eyebrow.  "Yeah.  Like I said, he's really cool, but he can be quite annoying.  He's just great like that.  So yeah.  However, he's a stupid idiot, and he doesn't like Animorphs or Harry Potter.  He does talk to Lenny online, though.  So Lenny and I decided to drag him here in order to force him to like Animorphs and Harry Potter."

            "Sweet!" exclaimed Shawna.

            "It's actually a pretty good idea," admitted Cassi.

            "So yeah, Carl, now you will march outside and get yourself a seat in the stands so you can watch the game."

            "Do I have to?"

            "Yes."

            "But…  no."

            "But…  yes."

            "No."

            "Yes."

            "No."

            "Yes."

            "No."

            "Yes."

            "No."

            "Yes."

            "No."

            "Yes."

            "No."

            "CARL!  YOU WILL GO OUTSIDE AND WATCH THE GAME!  NOW!!!!!!!!!"

            Carl grimaced.  "Alright, alright.  You win.  I'm going."

            Allee beamed.  "I always win."

            "Yeah, yeah, I know.  I learned that a while ago…"

            "As well you should have.  NOW GET GOING!"

            Carl turned and ran outside as quickly as he could.

            Lenny snickered.  "This is great.  Now we get to torture poor Carl, too!"

            "Exactly."

            "Oh, oh!" Shawna said.  "Torturing boys is fun!"

            "Oh, so much fun," Cassi agreed.

            "One question, though," Lenny said.  "Why do you get to have Carl here when I have no idea where the heck Jared is?!?"

            "Oh, don't worry," Allee said.  "I'm sure he's fine."

            With those words, Allee put her hair up into a ponytail at the top of her head, and the ponytail flew up into the air, and started spinning around her head very rapidly.  When the ponytail was only a gold blur, it lifted Allee up into the sky.  "Make sure Gryffindor comes out first, and then the Animorphs and Erek!" Allee called over her shoulder.

            Cassi nodded.

            "See you guys in a bit!"  Allee looked straight again, and the entire Alleecopter flew out of the doors and into the middle of the Quidditch court.

            "Everybody run!  There's some psycho magic person kind of nearby!  She can do whatever she wants!  She's somewhere called Hogwarts!  Everybody, stay away!  Run!  RUN!  Listen to me, I'm famous!  I'm telling the truth!" Jared yelled, running blindly down the streets of London.  

Suddenly an arm reached out from the shadows and grabbed Jared.  Another arm reached out and covered his mouth. "What do you think you're doing, boy?" the voice demanded.  "Who are you?"

Jared quivered like a feather, mumbling something from behind the arm covering his mouth.

"What?"  

The arm moved, and Jared dropped his head forward, looking around.  "I'm warning the world against the psycho magical person…" Jared mumbled.

The mysterious person shook Jared hard.  "You're not supposed to tell the Muggles about us!"

"What?"

"Look at this."  The person pulled out a random newspaper.  "You have been heard by hundreds of Muggles.  Hundreds!"

Sure enough, on the front page was a bad picture of Jared, running down the streets screaming.

"I'll need to report you to the Ministry for this," the person warned.  He pulled out his wand.  "Petrificus Totalus!" he shouted.

Jared moaned, and suddenly he couldn't move.  He did feel himself floating into the air, though.

The person kept his wand pointed at Jared.  "Now," he said, "We're going to go see Minister Fudge."

Jared moaned again as the person performed yet another spell to send them both into Fudge's office.

"Ladies and gentlemen," the Alleecopter shouted from her position above the Quidditch court.  "Witches and wizards!"

The crowd quieted at the odd sight of a girl floating above them all by the spinning of her ponytail.

"I have brought you here today that you might see a Quidditch game!"

There was a cheer from the crowds.

"Allow me to introduce the circumstances.  My name is Allee, and I am here from another universe.  I have come here to create a clash between the characters of my two favorite book series:  Harry Potter and Animorphs.  In order to do so, I have dragged characters from Animorphs here with me.  Now, and I am forcing random people I choose to play games against one another to decide different fates in the different universes.

"The Animorphs characters that I have chosen to play the game are the Animorphs themselves, and the android, Erek."  Allee turned to the changing rooms.  "Will the Animorphs characters please come out?"

All of the Animorphs characters shuffled from the room, now dressed in their Quidditch robes.

"I introduce you all to the Animorphs and Erek!" Allee called.  There was a bit of clapping, but mostly it was just confused murmuring as they pointed at Ax and Tobias.

"But…  It's a bird.  And a blue centaur," Susan Bone said to her Hufflepuff friends in the stands.

"As Chasers, I introduce you to Jake Berenson, Marco, and Tobias Fangor!  Tobias, morph human," Allee commanded.

Tobias complied, and his feathers melted into skin as he changed.  His robe simply shifted around him to create a human robe.  When he was finally human, Jake, Marco, and Tobias all jumped onto their brooms and promptly fell off again.  The crowd started giggling, especially the Slytherins.  Jake, Marco, and Tobias exchanged a dark look.  However, they still mounted their brooms again, and this time managed to rise about fifteen feet off the ground.  Tobias was more comfortable in the air, but all three boys shifted nervously on their brooms.

"An Animagus," Susan Bone breathed from the stands.

"The Beaters are Rachel Berenson and Erek King!" Allee shouted.

Rachel leaped onto her broom and immediately nudged it upward so she soared over the heads of the crowd.  "Sweet!" she crowed.  "This is the best!  Almost as good as being an eagle!"  She swooped around the court a few times.

"I always knew she was a witch," Marco muttered to Jake.  Jake nodded.

Erek, on the other hand, took a more cautious approach, tottering into the air on his broom and clutching his club.  He shuddered as he looked down on the case where the bludgers shook in their confines.

"Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill will be the Keeper!"

Ax morphed human and jumped onto his broom, falling forward, thrown off balance, as he had forgotten he had no tail.  His broom, from the shifting weight, did an immediate loop-de-loop, much to the delight of the crowd.  However, they were still confused.

"Another Animagus," Susan Bone pointed out to her friends.  "But…  It's a centaur.  Centaurs cannot be Animagi."  She shrugged.  "I'll have to ask Hermione about it later…  But anyway, I brought food for the game."  She opened her bag and pulled out a collection of chocolate frogs, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, Cockroach Clusters, and other candies, which she passed out among her friends.

"Finally, as Seeker, I give you Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob!!!"

The crowd burst out into peals of laughter at the name, and then laughed even harder when Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob tried to jump onto her broom, but did not even make it that far.  Instead, she fell in a heap on the ground.  She stood, her cheeks burning, and leapt onto the broom, slowly nosing it into the sky.

Allee grinned at the Animorphs team, ignoring the glares she received.  She continued to speak.  "The Animorphs team will face Gryffindor, with Oliver Wood, who has returned as captain and Keeper!"

The Gryffindors flew from the changing rooms and flew loops around the field.  The other Gryffindors stood up and started cheering, but the Slytherins booed.

"Here is Alicia, Angelina, Katie, Gred, Feorge, Oliver, and Harry!"

Allee lowered as her ponytail stopped spinning, and she reached the ground.  She released the bludgers and snitch, and then grabbed the quaffle.

"This game will decide the fate of Oliver Wood.  If Gryffindor wins and he plays well, he will become a professional Quidditch player for the Winbourn Wasps!!!!  Now, let the games begin!"  Allee tossed the quaffle into the air, and ran off the field to meet Cassi, Lenny, and Shawna on the sidelines.

Cassi settled herself on the floor and sighed.  "This will be good," she said.  The other three girls agreed.

Off in the Ministry of Magic, Fudge glared at Jared.  "How could you go around London shouting about us?  To Muggles?"

"Um…  I didn't know?"

"What do you mean you didn't know?!?"

"Honestly!"

Fudge shook his head sadly.  "I'm sorry I have to do this, young man, but I now condemn you to Azkaban.  I don't know what else we can do."

"Wait, what?  Azka-what?"

"Don't play thick with me, now.  I feel bad enough as it is."

"But I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Jail, boy."

"Jail?  No!  You can't do that to me!  I'm famous!"

Two very strong-looking wizards walked into the room, each taking Jared by the arm.  They dragged him out, him babbling the entire way.


	8. The Quidditch Game

A/N: Hello, all! I'm going to finish/post this now, because in less than twenty-four hours, I head off to Germany for two weeks. I thought you guys might appreciate a chapter before I leave. Besides, if I stay up all night tonight, then maybe I'll be so tired that I'll actually sleep on the plane tomorrow, and then I won't have any jet lag! *crosses fingers* So yeah. The sad thing is, I'll be there when HP OotP comes out………… *cries* I'm really, really, really hoping that I can find it in English there. If that's the case, then I get it a good six hours before lots of you guys reading this!!!!!!! *grins* It'll be the British version, too!!!!!!!!!!!! But so anyway, here we go on the new chapter.

Oh, and Kay13: LOONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chapter 8 – The Quidditch Game

"And Angelina catches the quaffle," Lee Jordan shouted from his position as the commentator. "She passes it to Katie, who, by the way, got a new broomstick last year, from the Nimbus series. She-"

"Move it," Shawna said as she pushed him from his seat, "Cassi and I want to comment."

"But-"

"No. Allee said we could," Cassi said.

"Not fair!"

"Oh, but I think it is. Remie? Coming, dearest?" Cassi hugged Remus, who had followed her into the announcing booth.

Shawna grabbed the microphone from Lee's hand, and Cassi opened the door to allow him to leave. Utterly confused and frustrated, Lee shuffled out to join his friends in the Gryffindor stands.

"Katie Bell shoots the quaffle, and… Yes! Go Katie! She scores!" Shawna shouted.

On the Quidditch field, Ax shook his head sadly, overbalancing and falling forward again. His broom dived down with him, until he managed to pull himself upright again. During that time, Gryffindor scored twice more.

Cassi grabbed the microphone from Shawna. "Aw, Ax! Come on! You can do better than that! Beat the Gryffindors!!!!!!!!!! Oh, sorry, Remus…"

Suddenly, Tobias swooped into the field where Alicia had just taken the quaffle. As she tried to score again, he swooped in and caught it. He immediately turned his broom around and started racing for the Gryffindor goals.

Jake and Marco came along beside him to fend off the Gryffindors, who were now pressing in on Tobias, trying to keep him from scoring. A bludger flew from nowhere, and Tobias had to make a sharp turn to avoid it, nearly running into Jake. Jake spun around a couple of times before doing a nosedive toward the ground, completely inept at flying.

Tobias released the quaffle, sending it flying at the middle goal. Oliver, however, quickly beat it away, resulting in no goal for the Animorphs.

While the other players were at the opposite end of the field, Ax zipped back and forth between his three goals. As he approached one of them, he spotted a girl in the crowd stuffing something in her mouth, as well as sharing some of it with her friends. He decided to buzz by to see what it was.

Above everybody, Harry and Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob scanned the area for the glimmer of gold that would signal the presence of the snitch. However, it was nowhere to be found.

Once again, Alicia grabbed the quaffle, and started zooming towards the Animorphs' goals. She hesitated for a moment, though, when she noticed the lack of a Keeper.

In the Hufflepuff stands, Susan Bone looked at the field with confusion as the weird centaur-animagus zipped straight at her. Her friends anxiously muttered about the loony Americans. Ax came closer and closer, and Susan started to feel a bit nervous. To calm herself down, she unwrapped one of her chocolate frogs.

"Chocolate! I want chocolate! Chok-let! Ch!" Ax screamed as he crashed into the Hufflepuff stands. The students scattered, and Susan, screaming, dropped all of her candy. The Hufflepuffs huddled together in a circle around Ax, who had now dropped his broom and was standing in the midst of the candy Susan and her friends had been eating. He gave them a crazed grin, squatted, and tore open the wrapper of a chocolate frog.

Back on the field, the Gryffindors scored over and over again. Within thirty seconds, they had a score of two hundred.

"^!@%!" Rachel hissed. A bludger sailed past her, and she slammed it with her club towards Katie, who currently had the quaffle. Rachel smirked. If that didn't stop her from scoring, nothing would.

Erek watched the bludger from the corner of his eye, but turned away. However, he started to turn back, unintentionally.

"Not good…" he muttered. Suddenly, he found himself speeding towards the bludger. "Oh, no. Definitely not good." He picked up more and more speed as he went, until he was nothing but a blur. "CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!!!!!!!" he yelled. "I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE MY PROGRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"What the heck?" Rachel said as she watched her supposed partner race toward the bludger.

Katie threw the quaffle through the goal and turned back to her teammates with a smug smile. The smile dropped, however, when she saw the bludger flying straight for her face, and it was no more than a few meters away.

Erek closed his hologram eyes, wishing he could do the same with his real light sensors. He did not want to watch what happened. Just as the bludger was about to knock Katie into oblivion, he slammed into the ball, effectively knocking it away from Katie. His hologram faded, then came back, then shut down completely.

"Owwie…" Erek said. With those words, he slipped off his broom and fell.

"Crap," Rachel said. "Crap. EREK, DAMN YOU, WHY DIDN'T YOU USE A PEMALITE CRYSTAL OR SOMETHING BEFORE YOU TRIED TO BE A BEATER?!?!"

Marco and Jake looked at Rachel, looked at each other and shook their heads sadly. They immediately rushed down to see if Erek, now a heap of metal on the ground, was okay.

"I'm okay!" Erek yelled from the ground. However, his words were followed by a shower of sparks.

In the commentator's spot, Shawna burst into peals of laughter. Cassi, on the other hand, grasped the microphone tightly. "Oh, dear," she said. "We seem to have had an injury. Erek, you okay? Uh… Somebody call an ambulance or something. Yeah, people, anybody here a good mechanic?"

In the Gryffindor stands, Hermione gaped at the field. "That's not possible! If he's an android, he should have frozen up the moment he stepped onto Hogwarts property! The magic is too strong! It screws up electricity!"

A boy sitting behind her leaned forward and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Who are you?" Hermione demanded. Ron scooted closer to her, and turned around, too.

"Carl. Allee's boyfriend."

Ron's jaw dropped. "Boyfriend? It's possible to date that madwoman?"

Carl shrugged. "I suppose. I am, so yeah, it's possible."

Ron shook his head and turned back to the game. "Unbelievable."

"What I was going to say, though, was that you should just stop relying on rules while Allee's around. She tends to make up her own. And the universe, or, the multiverse, in this case, tends to listen to her. Especially when she has a laptop."

"The laptop shouldn't be working either."

"Well, she says it should."

"The laws of science say it shouldn't."

"Since when did the laws of science apply to magic?"

Hermione glared at him for a moment, then turned around with an indignant sniff.

Carl giggled. "I win."

From her position on the Quidditch court, Allee yelled, "No! I win!"

Sighing, Carl shrugged. "Darn…"

***

Jared huddled in a corner of the boat. Fog drifted around him in gray wisps, and it was cold. It was like some sort of nightmare. The only other occupant of the boat was the captain, an scary old man with a cane. For some reason, he reminded Jared of the old man Jafar pretended to be when he got Aladdin to find the lamp in Disney's _Aladdin_. 

"Whaddya do?" Jafar asked.

"Huh?"

"Whaddya do to get into Azkaban?"

"Oh." Jared shrugged. "I don't know. I met the friend of my girlfriend."

"Unless the friend's name is one that must not be named, I didn't realize that was a crime."

"Neither did I."

Jared turned away, wanting the conversation to be over. Luckily, the captain seemed to take the hint. They sailed through the fog in silence. As they came closer to the island, however, Jared heard the sound of singing. He looked around in confusion. After about a minute, the words became clear.

"Ninety-nine people with happy thoughts in the jail, ninety-nine people with happy thoughts! Take one down, kiss him around, ninety-eight people with happy thoughts in the jail!"

"What?" Jared repeated. The song went to the tune of "Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer".

The boat bumped to a stop at the dock, and the captain jumped out the tie the boat in place. "Here we are," he croaked.

Jared stood uncertainly. "Thanks. I think."

With a gap-toothed grin, the captain raised his cane towards the top of the hill. "Meet your prison guards… The dementors!"

On the top of the hill were five black figures, skipping toward them. Yes, skipping. Their arms were linked, and as they came, they sang. "Ninety-seven people with happy thoughts in the jail…"

Jared looked at them for just a couple seconds, then fell into a sobbing heap. "No, no, no! I want to go home!"

"Thanks, buddy!" one of the dementors yelled to the captain, then grabbed Jared.

Jared continued to cry as the icy cold presence of the singing dementors penetrated his body, and they dragged him toward the main building.

"Take one down, kiss him around, ninety-five people with happy thoughts in the jail!"

***

Ax stood in the Hufflepuff stands, moaning. It felt like his stomach was jumping around his insides! 

"What are these things?" he cried, holding up the wrapper of a chocolate frog.

"Don't you like them?" Susan asked, finally having overcome a bit of her fear and crept closer.

"Noooooo…"

Susan frowned. "Here. Try these."

She pushed a carton at Ax.

"What are they?"

"Bertie Botts' Every Flavor Beans."

"Jelly beans? I like jelly beans."

A few of Susan's friends giggled. "Yes. Jelly beans."

"Beans!" Ax grabbed a handful and shoved them into his mouth. He chewed once, twice. All color drained from his face, and he bent over and spat all of them out.

"Do you not like them?"

Ax stood again, shaking. "I will never eat human food again. You people are crazy." With that, he grabbed his broom and flew back into the field.

Erek laid on the ground, sparks flying from his android body. However, he pushed himself to a standing position and looked around. "Was the girl okay?" he asked.

Marco and Jake rolled their eyes. "Yeah. She's fine."

"Good," Erek said. "I don't think I like this game."

Erek stood shakily and climbed on his broom. It didn't seem to fit under him right, though.

"Uh… Erek?" Marco said. "I think you might want to sit the rest of the game out."

"Why?"

Jake pointed at Erek's hips. They were swiveled around to a ninety-degree angle from his torso.

"Oh."

Marco shrugged. "Sorry, buddy."

"Think I'll be able to find somebody who can fix a Chee?"

Jake shook his head. "Good luck."

Erek stood and crabwalked off to the side of the field. He wasn't going to be able to play anymore.

Jake and Marco gave a commiserating smile, then they jumped back onto their brooms and flew back into the air to help out Tobias.

From above them came Rachel's crow of triumph. "YES! NO MORE USELESS ANDROIDS! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Tobias buzzed by Jake. "Your cousin is crazy."

Jake nodded. "Yeah. But you're the one dating her."

High above them, Harry spotted a glimmer of gold at the far end of the field. He fell into a deep dive. He could see himself grabbing the snitch now.

Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob watched him in horror. There was no way she could grab it now.

She froze. Unless… Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob closed her eyes and began to concentrate.

Harry was only five meters from the snitch. Four. Three. Two. One.

Suddenly, a thick pink cable snapped out in front of him and snatched the snitch, keeping it in place with the many suction cups on it. 

"What the…"

The cable snapped back, and Harry turned around, his jaw gaping open.

Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob was still where she had been hovering when Harry had begun his dive, but now she was different. She still had a human body from her waist down, but from her waist up…

She had two enormous eyes, and what seemed like an entire jungle of tentacles sprouting from where her arms would be. She was part giant squid.

"AND ZSA-ZSA BILLY BOB GETS THE GOLDEN SNITCH!!!" Cassi screamed. "THE GAME IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"AND GRYFFINDOR WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Shawna added, grabbing the microphone from Cassi. "THE FINAL SCORE IS 150 TO 250!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Shawna dropped the microphone, and she and Cassi hugged. Cassi dragged Remus into it, too.

Allee and Lenny both grinned.

"I told them that they had tricks up their sleeves!" Lenny exclaimed.

"Definitely," Allee agreed. "Now, if you'll excuse me… I need to go announce what happens now."

Allee's ponytail flew up again, started twisting, and she rose into the air.

***

"Eighty people with happy thoughts in the jail, eighty people with happy thoughts!"

Jared cried as the dementors locked him in his jail cell.

A/N: Yesterday was Lenny's birthday!!!!!!!!!!!! She's nineteen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So all of you go bake her cookies and sing for her. Yeah. lol.


	9. Torturing People for No Good Reason

A/N:  Yay!  I'm back from Germany!  It was awesomenessly funness, even if most of the teens in the group were superficial and stupid, therefore I had no one to talk to for two weeks.  But oh well.  You guys get to read more about my Germany trip inside the chapter.  Anyway, I do have a favor to ask.  When I got back yesterday, I found that my oldest cat had, in probably the last twelve hours or so, become extremely sick.  We immediately took her to the vet, where they informed us that she had no more than a few hours to live, at the most.  So yesterday, at approximately 3:15, Xandra, one of the bestest cats to have ever lived, was put to sleep.  I want to ask all of you to pray for her, please.  I miss her so much.  This chapter is dedicated in her memory.  (This author's note was written on June 26th.)

Chapter 9 – Torturing People for No Good Reason Is Fun!

            Allee rose above the stands, her ponytail circling wildly.  She finally reached the desired height, and cleared her throat.

            "Lords and ladies, students and teachers, humans and nonhumans, and fictional characters and nonfictional characters!  Let us give a big round of applause to the Gryffindor Quidditch team, for they won the game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

            Everybody started cheering, and Allee waited to speak some more until they quieted down.

            "Let us also give a huge cheer to the Animorphs!  Their first time ever on brooms, and they caught the snitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

            There was another shout from the crowds, though it was quieter than before.  Harry remained conspicuously silent, glaring at the snitch in Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob's tentacles.

            Allee spoke again.  "In consequent of what has happened, Oliver Wood will now be Keeper for the Winbourn Wasps!"

            Much more applause broke through the stadium, loudest of all from the Gryffindor stands, especially from the team.  Oliver quickly ran a victory loop around the field, doing as many tricks as he could on his broom.  As he zipped around the field, his scarlet and gold Gryffindor robes changed to the black and yellow (A/N:  I don't have Quidditch Through the Ages with me right now; a friend is borrowing it, so correct me if I'm wrong) of the Wasps' robes.

            "Also, for the amazing feat of the Animorphs, I feel that they, too, deserve a prize."  With a puff of smoke, seven packages appeared in Allee's hands.  "German chocolate.  From Germany.  'Tis very nummy, if I must say so myself."

            In the announcing stands, Shawna's and Cassi's eyes grew wide.  They looked at each other, awe in their faces.  "CHOCOLATE!"

            Cassi grabbed Remus' hand, and then she followed Shawna down the steps onto the field, dragging the werewolf behind her.  They smacked right into Lenny, who was also dashing for the field.  After the four of them stood and dusted themselves off, they continued their mad run for the chocolate.

            Allee threw a box of chocolate at each of the players of the Animorphs team.  With differing levels of enthusiasm, they took them.  

            Ax took one look at the box and nearly gagged.  He tossed it over his shoulder, where it fell to the ground – or, at least, it would have if Shawna hadn't leaped into the air and snatched it.

            "Mine!  All mine!"

            "I don't think so," Lenny said.  She proceeded to leap onto Shawna and start fighting her for the box.  Cassi, too, joined in the fray.

            "Oh, brother," Erek (who had magically been restored to his normal self and was now hovering above the Quidditch field) sighed.  He looked at his chocolates, shrugged, and tossed it down to the three girls.

            "Mine!"

            "No, mine!"

            "No!  Give it to me!"

            "I say that it's mine!"

            Allee rolled her eyes.  "Just share it!  There's two boxes and four of you, including Remus.  Each of you can have half."

            Cassi gave Shawna a dirty look and pulled the box from her grip, then brought it over to Remus so they could share.  Lenny and Shawna took a box for themselves, too.

            "Anyway, now that that's over with," Allee began, "I have a few more announcements to say.  These concern various groups, whether they are the Animorphs, the people in the Harry Potter universe, my lovely readers, or Carl."  

Allee sent a sweet smile in his direction, but there was something more malicious in her eyes.  In the stands behind Hermione, Carl felt his skin crawl.

"First of all, I think we all need to give a huge hand to my good friend Cassie!  She posted chapter eight of this ficcie while I was in Germany!"

Allee, Carl, Shawna, Cassi, and Lenny broke into applause.  From the sky, too, came thunderous clapping as all of Allee's thousands of adoring fans thanked Cassie.

Allee continued.  "Cassie's penname on FFN is morpherkidvb.  She's good.  If you guys really want to show her how much you appreciate her help, go read and review her stuff."

Once again from the sky came a noise, but this time it was a voice.  "YEAH!  Go read my stuff!  I'd love you forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever-"

"Cassie?" Allee asked.

"Yes?" came the voice in the sky.

"Can we please get on with the story now?"

"Oh, yeah, sure.  Sorry."

"That's okay.  But like I was saying, thank you, Cassie.  Next is an announcement that should interest all members of the Harry Potter universe.  And it is:  BOOK FIVE CAME OUT ON JUNE 21ST!!!!!!!!!!!!!  THE STORY OF YOUR FIFTH YEAR IS KNOWN, HARRY!!!!!!!!!!!!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The four spastic girls from the real world started cheering wildly, even getting up to dance across the Quidditch field.

Harry knitted his eyebrows together.  "I thought that it was September right now?"

Alicia shrugged.  "Don't ask me how that psychopath's mind works.  Or her world, for that matter."

"So yeah, I was able to find a British bookstore in Vienna (I went to Austria and the Czech Republic while I was in Europe, too) on the Friday before Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix came out.  It was holding a party starting at ten that night and everything," Allee said.  "So I showed up there wearing my choir costume, which was supposed to look like some sort of medieval robe, and said that I was Fleur, and I partied all night.  I even met three really cool people, two of which are on FFN!  Their pennames are Wildcard and Shampoo.  Their real names, respectively, are Amila and Maria.  Go read their stuff.  Anyway, I got my book, and it's even the British version!  So none of the words have been changed!  And then I got on TV with about five other people because we were shouting "POTTER FOR PRESIDENT!  POTTER FOR PRESIDENT!" and then I started humming the tune from the movie, and everybody else joined in, and then some other girl came running up and popped open a bottle of champagne right in front of the camera.  It was great.  And my daddy was interviewed by the newspaper because I forced him to dress up, too!  And it was just awesomeness.  And the British version is sooooo cool.  And the cover art is so pretty…."  Allee sighed happily.  "Oooh, and I got it six hours before all my friends in Dallas and Minnesota!!!!  That was exciting."

"…I still don't see what the big deal is," Carl said.

Allee froze and turned blazing eyes on Carl.  She stretched her arm out, literally, until it was long enough to reach him, and then she smacked him across the back of the head.

"Owwie…"

Allee took a deep breath.  "Now that I'm in a bad mood, I get to go ahead and do my rant about what happened.  So this is a warning to all my lovely readers.  DO NOT READ THE NEXT SECTION IF YOU HAVE NOT FINISHED THE FIFTH BOOK YET!  IT CONTAINS ABSOLUTELY HUGE SPOILERS!!!!!  THE BOOK WILL NOT BE WORTH READING IF YOU READ THE NEXT SECTION!  FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE NOT FINISHED, I WILL LEAVE LOTS OF SPACES BETWEEN THIS AND THE SPOILER SECTION, AND THE SPOILERS WILL ALL BE WRITTEN IN BOLD.  WHEN THE BOLD WRITING IS FINISHED, YOU MAY START READING THIS CHAPTER AGAIN."

Realizing what Allee was about to start talking about, Cassi burst into tears.  Shawna, also crying, patted Cassi on the back to console her.  Lenny's lips started trembling and she threw herself on the ground, her shoulders shaking.

**Remus' eyes brightened when he realized that the girls had forgotten their chocolate.  He snickered and gathered it all up for himself.**

**Allee, also now quite teary-eyed, looked around the stadium, then locked eyes with Harry.  "Most of you," she began, "have heard of the notorious Sirius Black."**

**There was a gasp from all the students, the three that came from Harry, Ron, and Hermione meant something different than the rest.  Unlike the other underage wizards, they knew the truth about Sirius and were concerned for, rather than scared by, him.**

**Allee rolled her eyes.  "Oh, shut up, he's innocent.  Innocent.  He didn't do anything.  Didn't kill anybody."**

**Marco glanced at Jake.  "Oh, yay, now we get to deal with a not-a-murderer."**

**"Who knows if we can believe Allee…  I wouldn't be surprised if this serious guy is a is-a-murderer."**

**Marco groaned.  "Jake.  No.  You're making bad jokes.  Again."**

**"They're not that bad-"**

**"Shut up, let's see what Allee has to say," Rachel cut in, flying closer to Allee after she said it.  There was an odd gleam to her eye as she soaked in Allee's every word.**

**"I'm getting a bad feeling about her…" Erek whispered.**

**"I don't blame you, so am I," Tobias said.**

**"She's listening to Allee a tad too closely."**

**"…she and Allee are too much alike…  I just hope Allee's not giving her ideas about the best ways to torture the rest of us."**

**"Oh, God."**

**"Exactly."**

**Allee gave them a sharp look, and they instantly fell quiet.  "Anyway," continued Allee, "J. K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series, decided to be a bloody idiot and kill Sirius in the fifth book."**

**"No!" Hermione cried, turning to Ron to sob in his arms.**

**"What?  No!  No!"  Remus' eyes were wide, and he turned to Cassi, his eyes pleading that it wasn't true.  Wiping the drops from her eyes, Cassi nodded yes, it was.**

**Harry froze like he had been hit by a body-binding curse.  "Sirius is dead?"**

**Allee wiped away a tear.  "No."**

**"But you just said-"**

**"No.  I said Rowling killed him.  This is my ficcie, though, and Rowling has no business here.  So when I say that Rowling is a bloody idiot for killing my little old Sirius, I mean that Sirius lives in my fic.  So yeah.  He's still living, no matter what that evil hag says."**

**"Yes!!!!  Go Padfoot!  Live!  Live, I say!  Live!  Live!  Live!!!!!"  Remus grabbed Cassi's hands, and they started jumping up and down with each other, spinning around in circles.**

**"However," Allee once again began, "there is hope for the real series."**

**Silence fell over the crowd.**

**"I went to my speech pathologist today, and we talked Harry Potter the entire time.  When I started ranting about Sirius, she began to tell me her theory about his death.  She doesn't think he really died.  And her reasons make sense.  You see, when Bellatrix-"**

**Neville gasped from the stands.**

**"-hurled the curse at Sirius, we never actually found out what curse it was.  It's quite possible that it was not the killing curse.  And, since there was no body to check for pulse or anything, we can't know that he's dead.  Since the curtain was in the Department of Mysteries, nobody knows what's behind it.  Sirius could be behind it, alive and well, but nobody would ever know.  Harry did hear voices behind it, which implies that there is some sort of life behind it.  Just because Sirius fell back there does not mean he's dead.  Besides, it's about time for Rowling to have some huge plot twists, since there are only two books left.  Harry needs Sirius.  Granted, he also needs to feel the pain of losing a father-figure in order to be able to kill Voldemort, but he still needs Sirius.  And, with as much of a big deal as they made about the Department of Mysteries in the book, it can't be completely finished with.  Rowling is a master at bringing random bits of information, characters, etc. into a story and making them seem unimportant or trivial, when, in fact, they later come back to play a huge part in the story.  So Harry must go back to the Department of Mysteries at one point to discover the secret of the veil.  Especially because the readers of the series will probably kill Rowling if she doesn't reveal what the curtain is about.  And because of these reasons, there is hope for Sirius' life."**

**Cassi, Shawna, and Lenny all stood, goggle-eyed.  "Dude!"**

**Allee nodded.  "I am eternally grateful to my speech pathologist for telling me all this."**

**There were plenty of confused mutterings from the teachers as they contemplated all of this.  Perhaps they would, one day, understand one of the mysteries of the wizarding world.**

**"But, anyway, other things to rant about in the fifth book:  Fred?  George?  I love you forever and ever for the way you treat "Professor" Umbridge.  And the way you left the school with a bang was absolutely great.  I was laughing sooooooo hard.  Oh, in fact, all professors here, I love you forever and ever for the way you treat Umbridge.  Especially you, Professor McGonagall.  For everything you did to Umbridge in the book, you get this."**

**A box of German chocolates large enough to fill Hagrid's hut landed in her lap.  No one could see her under all the chocolate, but if her squawks had any meaning behind them, it was that she was more than just a little flustered and surprised.**

**"Oh, and something else…"  Allee glared in the direction of the Ravenclaw students.  "Cho Chang!  Get over here this instant!"**

**In the Ravenclaw stands, a short girl stood up, confusion written all over her face.  She quickly ran out of the seats and onto the field below Allee.**

**"Listen here, Cho.  YOU KEEP YOUR DIRTY MITS OFF OF HARRY!!!!  NO MORE KISSING HIM!!!!  HE AND GINNY ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER, AND HE DOESN'T NEED ANNOYING PEOPLE LIKE YOU TO GO KISS HIM!  DIE!!!!!!"**

**Cho shrieked and curled into fetal position on the ground as Allee swooped downwards.  However, the Alleecopter passed over Cho and instead went to the stands, where she snatched up her computer and moved back to the center of the Quidditch field.**

**"I am glad to announce that Harry no longer has any feelings for Cho whatsoever, but still, she's in trouble for even attempting anything with Harry.  Especially now that Cedric is alive again!"**

**Cedric blew a kiss at Cho from the Hufflepuff stands.**

**"So now, the people who deserve punishment because of what they did in book five will get what they deserve!  UMBRIDGE!  KREACHER!  BELLATRIX!  SNAPE!  ALL CENTAURS EXCEPT FIRENZE!  GET OVER HERE NOW!!!!!!"**

**From all around the stadium, people and centaurs began zipping through the air to join Cho on the ground, until at last, everybody that Allee had named sat there, fearfully looking around at their surroundings.**

**Allee grinned and typed something into her computer.  There was a puff of smoke, and a blonde girl with a prosthetic left arm, a prosthetic right leg appeared.  She was actually quite pretty, like a model.  She looked around for a moment, confused.**

**"Taylor!  What's up?"**

**Tobias looked again at the new arrival and promptly fell off his broomstick in a dead faint.  Rachel zoomed down to him, trying to wake him up while alternately giving Allee and Taylor dirty looks.**

**"Um…  How am I in Taylor's body and where am I?" asked Taylor.**

**"I said you should be."**

**"Oh, okay."**

**"Anyway, Taylor, see these people here?"  Allee motioned towards Cho, Umbridge, Kreacher, Bellatrix, Snape, and the many centaurs.  "These are new people that you get to torture!"**

**"Ooh, really?"**

**"Yeah!"**

**"Fun!  Thanks!"**

**"No problem.  If you head over to the lake over there, you'll find your fun little mind-torturing machine."**

**"Yippee!"  Taylor giggled.  "Come along now, my good little victims.  Ooh, I even get to torture screwed-up looking Andalites!"  She started walking in the direction of the lake, but all her victims stayed put.**

**"SHE SAID TO COME ALONG!" Allee yelled.**

**"Eep!"  Cho jumped and started walking behind Taylor.  She bent over to Kreacher and whispered, "I don't know who this Taylor person is, or what she's going to do to us, but she has to be better than Allee…"**

**Allee smiled at everybody, ignoring the horrified looks from the Animorphs.  "Anyway, now that that's finished, we can move on with the rest of the announcements.  You'll find them below, no longer written in bold, for those idiots who haven't finished Order of the Phoenix yet."**

Allee continued.  "So, now I get to tell you guys a funny story from Germany.  In fact, it has to do with my dear little Carl.  Carl, come here, won't you please?"

Allee's smile was not very welcoming, but Carl timidly came anyway.  "Um…  I'm afraid."

"You should be.  Anyway, Carl, tell everybody what your daddy dearest said to you before I left."

"…I told him that I wouldn't get to see you for two weeks because you were going to Germany, and he said, 'Well, you know what they say, "Absence makes…"' and I finished it for him: '"…the heart grow fonder"?', and he said, 'No, the girlfriend get a new boyfriend!'"

"Precisely.  So I teased Carl about how I was going to leave him for a hot German guy.  I teased, and I teased, and I teased.  But then I stopped teasing.  Because it came true."

Carl jerked his head around to look at Allee.  "WHAT?"

"I left you for a hot German guy.  His name is Heinrich, and he has blonde hair, and brown eyes, and he's not freakishly tall like you, and he can yodel!"

"No!"

"But yes.  Sorry, Carl, but I have a new boyfriend now."

Allee typed in some things on her computer, and with a puff of smoke, somebody fitting Heinrich's description appeared on the ground.  He looked around and waved.

"Guten Tag."

Allee shrugged.  "He doesn't speak a word of English, so I can't ever tell what he's saying.  But that's okay, we understand each other anyway.  Isn't that right, Heinrich?"

He looked up and nodded.  "Ein' feste burg ist unser Wiener Schnitzel."  He blew a kiss up at Allee.

Carl turned purple with rage.

"Love you, too, Heinrich!"  Allee grinned stupidly for a moment, then turned back to Carl.  "So, um, yeah.  Since I have Heinrich now, I have no use for you.  Bye!"

She typed a few more short things into the computer, and suddenly Carl disappeared.

In a show of his superiorityness over Carl, Heinrich began to yodel.

"So, um, where'd you send Carl?" Cassi asked.

"Azkaban."

"Oh, okay."

Just then, an owl zoomed from the sky over to Lenny, and dropped a copy of the Daily Prophet in her lap.  It flew off, not asking for money, for once.

"What's this?"  Lenny turned the paper over and glanced at it.  Her face turned bone white when she saw the headlines.  "Allee, what is the meaning of this?"

"Of what?"

"This!"  Lenny turned the paper for Allee to see.  Scrawled across the top was the phrase, "Mysterious Muggle Boy Imprisoned for Revealing the Wizarding World to London!".  The picture under it showed Jared, running across England.

Allee bit her lip.  "Oh, um…  That…  Yes…  Well…  At least he has Carl there to keep him company now?"

Lenny screamed and lunged at Allee.

A/N:  Ooooh, cliffie.  Teehee, I'm so evil.  Anyway, yeah, that was the chapter, I hope you liked it.  But I have a few things to say now.  First off, I have some shameless advertising to do for two fics of mine that barely have any reviews…  Not long ago, I posted two assignments I had to do for theology in the Bible section of FFN.  One is the Gospel According to Allee, and the other is a psalm I had to write.  They're kinda cool, I think.  Especially the gospel.  Jesus gets to be a phoenix.  Sure, Mr. S. didn't like it too much, but that's just because he had just had surgery and was in pain and was taking it out on students.  I still got a good grade, compared to others….  Meh.  Anyway, I would really really really appreciate any reviews I could get on those two fics.  Yeah.

Kristen Goddess:  I'm really sorry, but I can't answer your question about Tonks on the back of the book.  Like I said, I bought the British version while in Vienna, and all the bookstores near me are out of the American version, so I haven't even seen it.  Sorry I can't help.

Kay13:  LOONS WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD!  THE PENGUINS ARE THEIR DEVOTED SERVANTS AND WILL HELP THEM!  HA!


	10. Chapter Nine and Three Quarters

A/N:  Like you'll read in the chapter in a second, the biggest part of this chapter really is written by Lenny.  All of you must review to tell her how awesome she is at torturing people.  You must also wish Cassi a happy birthday (hers was on July 2nd) and Carl a not happy birthday (his was on July 5th).  Hope you enjoy the chapter!

Chapter Nine and Three-Quarters – Round Two in Azkaban

Allee squealed as Lenny came flying towards her.  She quickly typed something on her laptop, and Lenny froze in midair.

"Jared's in Azkaban!!!  You tossed him in Azkaban!!!!!!  How could you????"

Allee winced.  "He shouldn't have been calling me a psychopath so much."

"But you call yourself a psycho."

"In a good way."

"Oh."  Lenny sulked for a second as she hovered in the air above the Quidditch pitch.  "Can I see him?" she finally asked hopefully.

Allee thought for a second.  "Sure."

Lenny jumped backwards, surprised that Allee had agreed so quickly.  "Really?"

Allee nodded.  "Yeah.  You can even get control of the fic for a few minutes while you do so."

Lenny's mouth dropped.  "REALLY?"  She was ecstatic.  Time to bust Jared out of jail.

"Yeah.  But I need to do one thing first…"

Allee typed some things into her computer, and Lenny's face suddenly stretched into a demonic smile.

"There.  Now you have no will to do anything good for Jared.  You'll just torture them, exactly like this fic is intended to do!"

Lenny cackled.  "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Pleased with her success, Allee pulled a piece of parchment and a quill out of midair and handed them to Lenny.

*******

Jared lifted his head slowly as a familiar song rang in his ears. "Seventy-three people with happy thoughts in the jail! Seventy-three people with happy thoughts!" 

He shuddered again and went back to rocking back and forth slowly. "It's all a bad dream," he muttered. "A bad dream…"

"DOOM!" He heard a voice shouting. "DOOM!"

Carl, who was being dragged by singing, dancing, skipping Demetors, was kicking and shouting as his captors threw him in Jared's cell. The Dementors skipped merrily away, leaving Carl and Jared alone.

Jared, who had become accustomed to eating his cowboy boots, offered Carl a piece of rubber from the sole. Carl grimaced. "No thanks."

Jared shrugged. "All right, man… but trust me it's better than what they try to feed you. So, what are you in here for?"

"Allee dumped me for some German guy. Heinrich," Carl spat as if it were a swear word.

"Wait… Allee? That psychopath who put me here? She's your girlfriend?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry…"

"Well it's better than dating Lenny."

Jared eyed Carl suspiciously. "How do you know I'm with her?"

Carl used the most patronizing voice he could muster. "Pictures." 

"You talk to her?"

"Online," Carl appeared to be sizing Jared up. "She said you were tall."

"I am. Hello-o, I'm sitting down," Jared rolled his eyes and stood up. "So are you the dude from Texas?"

"My name's Carl."

"Yeah, uh-huh- bet I'm taller than you."

Carl stepped up to Jared. "No, I don't think so."

"No, I am."

"No, you're not."

"Oh yeah, I am. Don't let it get to you, man."

Carl stood up on his tip-toes. "No, see?  I'm taller."

Jared shook his head and stood on his tip-toes as well. "No, you're not."

"Yeah, I am."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am!"

"No, you're not! I can see over your head."

"That has nothing to do with it," Carl said. "If anything you're taller because of your hair."

Jared crossed his arms and sat down, pouting. "Why does everyone say that?"

"Maybe because it's true?"

"Yeah, well, whatever."

Carl shoved his hands in his pockets. "So, let's say I have to pee. Where do I go?"

Jared laughed. "You're a book character now. Since when do they pee?"

Carl shrugged. "It might come up."

"No, I don't think it will."

"Doom!" Carl yelled.

Jared looked at Carl as if he'd sprouted another head. "Right…"

Out of nowhere a small speaker appeared in the cell and Heinrich's voice boomed out, loud and annoying. Jared covered his ears. "What the hell is that?"

Carl glared. "That's Heinrich… I bet he's yodeling to Allee."

Jared looked confused. "Is that what he's doing? Yodeling?"

Carl nodded. 

"I've never heard that before. I don't get out much. There's like two people who live in Lake-O."

"Yeah… it shows."

"Does it? Yeah, I know- hey!"

"Lenny said you were a hick… guess it's true."

"Damn proud of it, too."

"Yeah, I'll bet," Carl said dryly.

"I'm not going to say what she's said about you."

"What?"

"I'm not saying."

"What has she said?"

"Not telling."

"Doom!"

Heinrich's voice yodeled louder.

Jared paled. "This crap is making me sick."

"Doom!!!"

Again Heinrich's voice raised.

Jared shrank to the floor as if in pain. Carl stood up and kicked the speaker. "DOOM!"

Heinrich's voice was now so loud other prisoners started yelping in agony.

"This is why I never kissed Lenny… this is what happens! I get thrown in jail and I have to endure ear torture!  I want my country music back!" Jared babbled.

"DOOM!"

"Now, now, Carl. Let's not continue that." Heinrich's voice suddenly stopped and Lenny appeared on the other side of the cell door.

Jared looked up then jumped to his feet. "I'm saved!"

Lenny shook her head pityingly. "No… I'm afraid not, darlin.  Allee has threatened to give me to Taylor if I do anything not bad…  But it is kind of fun…"

Jared's face fell.

Carl glared at Lenny. "I hate you."

 "No, you don't. Deep down, beneath all that anger and resentment, you think I'm great." 

"No," Carl said evenly. "I most definitely hate you."

"Well, Carl, that's just not going to help your situation at all," Lenny quipped, pulling a purple quill and a sheet of parchment out of her pocket. "Let's see…" she said, biting the quill in thought. "Ah, I know!" She quickly scribbled something down and grinned. "Carl, what's a better color for you? Pink or blue?"

"I don't have a choice in this, do I?"

"Oh, you might."

"Well… I'm going to go ahead and say blue."

"All right, pink it is."

Carl sighed. "Figured. Course, if I had said pink you'd have just agreed."

"Course. You just picked the wrong one."

Carl and Jared looked at each other questioningly for a second before Carl was suddenly dressed in a frilly, pink dress and a purple boa.

Carl glared at Lenny as Jared burst out in a fit of laughter. "I hate you sooo much."

Lenny smiled innocently. "Come on, Carl. If I suddenly died, you'd be sad."

"No, I wouldn't."

"But I would be!" Jared said, hopefully.

Lenny folded her arms. "I'm going to let Allee deal with you. That kissing comment just gained you another fifty years in here," she turned her attention to Carl again. "If I died you'd be saying "Oh, Lenny... I know I always said 'doom' but deep down... beneath the barbed wire in my soul... I thought you were kinda okay..."

"I hate you both," Carl said grabbing the bars of the door.

Lenny grinned knowingly. "You love Allee."

"I hope you get hit by a car… or a bus driven by monkeys."

"Shoot, Carl… Now I'm going to have to tell Allee what you said. God only knows what's going to happen to you now."

Jared bit his lip, containing his laughter. "Couldn't really get much worse."

"Couldn't it?" Lenny asked him.

He swallowed hard. "Maybe it could…"

"Good answer."

With that she whipped out her quill again, scribbling something down on the parchment, then looked up. Jared frowned. "What did you just do?"

Lenny looked down at her parchment again. "Apparently nothing…"

"Thank God."

"No worries though. I just need to figure out what's wrong."

"Her power's gone!" Carl shouted. "Life is good again!"

Lenny glared. "Not so much, C. If my power is in fact gone, then you're stuck in that dress the rest of the fic."

Carl paled.

"Hey, Allee!" Lenny shouted. "I need a hand!"

No more than a half a second later, Allee appeared next to Lenny. "Yes?"

Lenny nodded to the cell with Carl and Jared in it. "I can't seem to make anything more happen to them."

Allee looked at the two prisoners and sniggered. "That's a great look for you, Carl."

Carl crossed his arms and sulked as Lenny showed Allee the parchment she was writing on. "Well, here's you're problem! It isn't embarrassing enough! Try this…" Allee took Lenny's quill and wrote something down waiting to see the results of her handy work. "That's the trouble with quills and parchment," she said handing it back to Lenny, who began reading what Allee had written. "There's always a delay."

Seconds later Jared was dressed in a baby blue sundress covered in teddy bears and purple bows. "Ah!" He shouted, hiding behind Carl.

"So adding purple bows made the difference, huh?"

"Purple bows always make a difference."

"I'll remember that."

"NO!" Jared yelped. "Don't remember that!"

Lenny glared at him over her glasses. "This is revenge, darlin."

"For what? What have I ever done to you?"

Lenny raised her eyebrows. "Oh…" she said. "Never mind."

Carl grabbed the bars of the door. "Allee, you can't possibly let her to this to me!"

Allee smiled wickedly. "Why not? You and I are over. I have Heinrich now."

Lenny snapped her fingers. "Oh, Jeeves?"

A small Dementor came up behind the two girls, humming the tune that was now accustomed to Azkaban prison. Lenny patted him on the head. "Will you be a dear and fetch Carl and Jared's clothing?"

Jeeves nodded and floated off to do Lenny's bidding.

"Well… shall we get back to your story now?"

"I think so. But I have one last thing to do before we go," she pulled out her laptop typing something quickly. Jake appeared in front of her, looking very confused. "Jake, I need you to clear something up for my friend Jared here."

Jake looked apprehensive. "Okay…"

"Do book characters ever have to use the bathroom?"

Jake turned red. "Um…"

"I'd answer her, Jake," Lenny said. "You might end up in there with them."

Jake gulped. "Yeah… we do."

"Will you be so kind as to give Jared an example?" Allee asked sweetly.

"Page ninety-seven of Megamorphs two."

"Thank you, Jake. That's all we needed."

With that Allee and Jake disappeared.

Lenny grinned at Jared and Carl. "You two look so adorable. I wish I had my camera. Anyway, I've got to be going."  She wrote something down on her parchment and handed it to Carl. "You two have fun!" In a puff of violet smoke, Lenny was gone.

Carl looked at the parchment in his hand. "_Carl, if you decide you have to pee just yodel and a toilet will appear. Best wishes!"_ Carl frowned. "This is not funny at all."

"Well… Lenny did send Jeeves to get us our clothes."

"Is that a good thing? You know her better than I do."

Jared shrugged. "Anything's better than this… The breeze is kinda nice, though."

"I want pants."

As if reading their thoughts (which he probably was) Jeeves floated back to their cell, humming merrily. He held up two pink and purple plaid shirts and two pairs of pink jeans. Jared and Carl reached out to take the clothing. Carl glared at Jared. "Anything's better, huh?"

Jared shrugged. "At least it's pants."

***

            Lenny appeared back on the Quidditch pitch, where everybody was eagerly waiting.  She looked around, blinked, and shook her head, trying to clear it.

            "So can I go see him now?" she asked.

            "You already did," Allee said.

            "What?"

            "You don't remember it.  Sorry.  I had to do that."

            "What happened?"

            Allee smirked.  "You can read it on the laptop.  It's all right there."

            "Okay, thanks!"  Lenny began to read, but her face paled as she did so.

            "ALLEE!!!!!!!  YOU MADE ME TORTURE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

            "Exactly.  Having your girlfriend turn on you is one of the biggest tortures you can have.  I'm sure that Carl…  or Jared… would be glad to tell you all about it."

            Lenny hung her head.  "Great.  Just great."

            "Yeah.  I love doing all this!"


	11. Pin the Tail on the Malfoy

A/N:  I'm so sorry I haven't updated…  I won't go into my excuses…  I know, I should still try to update, even if I am trying to squeeze enough stuff into one day to fill an entire week…  Please forgive me?  Meh, here's the next chapter:

Chapter 10 – Pin the Tail on the Malfoy

            "I can't believe it.  I just can't ******* believe it!" Jared yelled to no one in particular.

            "Whoa, calm down, Jared," Carl said.  "I'm sure she didn't mean any of it."

            "MY GIRLFRIEND MADE FUN OF ME IN PRISON!  SHE'S MAKING ME WEAR ******* PINK PANTS!"

            "You know, lots of guys' girlfriends won't even visit them in prison.  You're lucky.  But seriously, calm down.  You're making Allee edit waaay too much of what you're saying.  Tone down the ******* language, will you?"

            "No!  I won't 'tone down the ******* language,' *******!  My dear, sweet Lenny was mean!"

            Carl shrugged.  "So maybe I'm just used to having a mean girlfriend…  Dating Allee tends to do that to you…"

            "But…  But…  ****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  Jared walked over to the brick wall and started beating his head against it."

            Carl looked concerned for a moment, but then shook his head.  What was he thinking?  He knew a much more appropriate response.

            Carl pointed at Jared and started laughing.

***

            "You're sick, you know that, don't you?  Just sick.  How can you make such a fine female specimen as Lenny go and make some poor guy think she hates him?  It's sick!" said Marco.  "Everything you've done so far!  Sick!  Sick!  Sick!"

            Allee was quiet for a few moments.  When at last she spoke, it was very softly and very slowly.  "Marco?  I really would reconsider what you just said.  As true as it is, I am the one controlling your fate right now.  I don't suppose you want to go join Taylor by the lake, would you?"

            Right on cue, Taylor's demonic laugh wafted through the air, followed by the screams of the centaurs.

            Marco gulped.

            "That's what I thought."

            "Allee, that's mean!" Shawna said.

            "That's the point of this fic."

            "True…  But still, I wouldn't be so mean to poor widdle Marco!"  Shawna flashed him a bright smile and batted her lashes.

            Marco smiled back weakly, trying to disguise the horror in his face.

            "Right.  Now, back to what you've made me do to my poor Jared…"

            "Yes?"

            "He's going to hate me!  I have to tell him that I didn't mean any of it!  I have to tell him that I'm going to bust him out!"

            "Fine."

            Lenny froze.  "It's okay?"

            "Yup."

            "You're not going to mess with my mind so that I'm mean to him this time?"

            "Nope."

            Lenny paused.  "I'm not dreaming?  This is actually happening?"

            "Yup."

            "Um…  Technically…"  Cassi looked around for a second.  "This is a fanfic, so technically it's not actually happening."

            Shawna glared.  "Yes, it is.  All fanfics, stories, etc. actually do happen in a separate dimension, and therefore all of this is real in this universe.  What people call 'fiction' is actually non-fiction if you're in the right place."

            Cassi paused.  "This is true.  Ignore me.  I was going sane for a second.  I need some chocolate to put myself back into the right state of insanity."

            In the Quidditch stands, Susan Bone overheard Cassi and, hoping that she could perhaps suck up to the psycho currently controlling the universe, ran onto the field and offered the last chocolate frog she had, the only one Ax hadn't touched when he attacked her food during the Quidditch game.

            "Oh.  Thank you."

            "You're welcome."  Susan continued to stand in the group of Quidditch players and real-worlders.

            "Susan.  You can leave now," Allee pointed out after a few moments.

            "Oh."

            "In fact, most of you can leave now.  The game's over, people!  Go away!"

            In response to Allee's sudden outburst, everybody in the stands stampeded back towards the building.  The further they were from Allee, the better.  At last, the only people left were the Gryffindor Quidditch team, the Animorphs, Erek, Allee, Heinrich, Cassi, Remus, Shawna, and Lenny.

            "Oliver, you probably need to get to Quidditch practice.  You can leave, too."

            Oliver disappeared, and Allee surveyed the remaining people.  She smiled.

            "So…  um…  When do I get to talk to Jared?"  Lenny asked.

            "Now."

            "I can't believe any of this."

            "No, seriously.  Now.  You get to write him a letter."

            Allee typed a few words onto her laptop, and a quill and parchment appeared in the air before Lenny.  

            "I'm confused…"

            "Just write him a letter.  You can say whatever you want; I won't stop you."

            "But…  why?"

            Everybody stared at Allee suspiciously, especially the book characters.  This generous side to Allee was something new.  The unfamiliar enemy was always more dangerous than the familiar.

            "It's part of the next contest, of course!"

            Cassi and Shawna squealed, both realizing what Allee was talking about.

            "Yes!  I love races!" exclaimed Shawna.

            "Wiener Schnitzel!  Frankfurter!  Lass dich nur nich!" Heinrich agreed, pausing in his yodeling for just a moment.

            Erek shifted from foot to foot uncomfortably.  "Races?"

            "Yes, a race."

            "With who?  What kind of race?" Harry asked.

            "You'll find out in a minute.  You working on writing that letter, Lenny?"

            Lenny bit her lip, grabbed the quill and parchment, and started scribbling.

            "How many of us will the race involve?" said Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob.

            "I told you, I'll tell you everything in a moment.  Before we do anything, we need that letter Lenny is writing.  We're going to play a short game while we wait.  It's called 'pin the tail on the Malfoy'."

            "Malfoy?  I do not understand the meaning of a 'malfoy,'" Ax pointed out.  Before he was even finished speaking, though, Draco Malfoy appeared.

            "Anyway, Goyle, as I was-"

            Malfoy blinked.  Goyle had been replaced by Allee's evil grin.

            "Bloody hell."

            "You said that right.  We all know that you looked great as a ferret, Draco, but I think I know of an animal that fits you even better."

            Draco turned even paler than he normally was and turned to run.

            "No, I don't think so," Allee said.  She typed something, and Malfoy froze.  With a few more taps on the keyboard, Draco was engulfed by a puff of smoke.  When it cleared, a donkey was standing in his place.

            The donkey was still for a moment, but then it looked around.  Seeing its furry body and hooves, it let out an indignant hee-haw.

            Allee, Shawna, Cassi, and the Gryffindors burst out laughing.

            "It describes you so well, too, Malfoy!" Cassi said.

            Jake turned his head to Rachel.  "He was on Crayak's side in the chess game, wasn't he?"

            "Yeah, I think so."

            "So he's not a nice guy."

            "Probably not."

            "Okay."

            "Here's the rules of the game," Allee said.  "The title is pretty self-explanatory, though.  You try to pin the tail onto the Malfoy.  As you can see, Draco here doesn't have a tail.  Who here thinks he needs one?"

            Fred and George grinned widely and raised their hands.  They didn't know anything about the Muggle game this was a variant of, but it sounded like they were about to be able to torture Malfoy…

            "I agree," Allee said, nodding to the Weasley twins.  "Each of you gets to hold a tail…"

            In everybody's hands appeared a long donkey tail.  At the top of it was a very sharp, very long, very painful-looking pin.

            "And each of you gets to chase Malfoy.  Whoever pins their tail onto him first wins."

            The donkey hee-hawed again, this time more nervous than angry.

            "What exactly is the point of this game?" Ax asked.

            "To torture Draco."

            "Yes, but what's at stake this time?  Whose future?" clarified Marco.

            "Draco's.  More specifically, Draco's butt's."

            "But…  Why?" Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob said.  "It make's no sense!"

            "I told you, the entire point of this fic is to torture you guys.  While we wait for the next big contest to decide the future of a universe, can't we just have a little bit of good, clean, torturing Draco for no other reason than it's fun?"

            Allee didn't even wait for agreement, though Cassi, Shawna, Harry, and the Weasley twins were nodding eagerly.

            "Of course we can!  So everybody have fun!  Including you, Draco."

            Malfoy hee-hawed pitifully.

            "Oh, don't be so morose about it.  You know you deserve it.  But, just because I'm so nice, I'll give you a ten second head start.  On your mark, get set, go!"

            Malfoy glared at Allee for a moment before running as fast as his donkey legs could carry him.  He wasn't planning on receiving any of those pins in his arse, no thank you.

            Allee took a deep breath.  "Ten!  Nine!  Eig-"

            She paused.

            "Why am I counting down for him exactly?"

            "Because you're a stupid git?" answered Katie.

            "That's what I thought.  I want to see him poked just as much as all of you.  Forget this.  Go!  Pin the tail on the Malfoy!"

            Fred, George, and Rachel shared a gleeful grin, then sprinted after Draco.  After a few seconds and some nudging by Allee, Cassi, and Shawna, the other players followed.  At last, Allee, Shawna, Cassi, Remus, and Heinrich went.  Heinrich didn't have a tail to pin, but his yodeling was punishment enough for Draco.  Only Lenny was left, scribbling upon her parchment…

            "My poor, dear Jared!  I can't believe Allee made me do that!  Oh, my God…"

***

            Far, far away, in the Animorphs universe, a little girl in a pink dress and pigtails stamped her foot.

            "It's just not fair!  Not fair!  Ellimist, why do we have to listen to her anyway?  She thought she was more powerful than us!"

            Ellimist snickered.  "Well, Crayak, as my reply, I shall simply tell you to look at yourself."

            "SHE'S NOT MORE POWERFUL THAN ME!"

            "Crayak, you're now a little girl, and you can't do anything about it.  She's definitely more powerful than you.  And because she is more powerful than you, she is also more powerful than me, and thus I feel obliged to listen to her.  Especially because she just so happened to give me control of the universe."

            "It's not fair!"

            "So you've said.  Now, if you don't mind, I have a universe to run, so if you would kindly step away from the threads of space-time…"

            "No!  They're mine!"

            "Step away from the threads of space-time, Crayak."

            "No!  No, no, no, no, no…"

            Ellimist fluttered his wings impatiently.  Just because he knew it would anger Crayak, he had been switching forms every few minutes.  He was currently in the shape of a Ketran.

            "Come on, Crayak.  I don't have all millennium."

            "…no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…"

            "Alright, that's it.  I'm sick of it.  This is my universe now.  You're out of here, Crayak."

            "…no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…"

            Ellimist once again switched forms, now taking the shape of a clown.

            "AAAHHHH!  No!  Mommy!"

            "I told you to leave, Crayak!"

            "I'm leaving, I'm leaving!  Darn you, Ellimist, you just had to go for what I was afraid of, didn't you?  I hate you!  I hate you so much!"

            "I know."

            Ellimist pulled a balloon out of the air and started shaping it into a mouse.  He grinned at Crayak, his white makeup shimmering.

            "AAHHH!!!  Go away!"

            Crayak backed away and tripped over one of the threads of space-time in the room.  Far away, on the Hork-Bajir homeworld, sunset suddenly became high noon.

            "I hate you, Ellimist!  I hate!"

            Crayak turned around and opened the door leading into the physical universe.  As Ellimist laughed, she ran through space to the nearest black hole and dived in.

            "I hate y-"

            Her voice died as the matter that made up Crayak was superheated and condensed in the bottleneck so dense light could not even escape.

            Ellimist looked back into the room just in time to see one of the threads coil into nothingness.  Crayak was gone.

            "Well, that's that.  Hope she's not too much trouble to wherever she landed."

            Ellimist rubbed his hands together and closed the door to the physical universe.  He shifted forms, once again a Ketran, and turned on the radio.  "Devil Went Down to Georgia" started playing.

            Ellimist grinned and started dancing along.  After a while, he finally sat back to relax.  He hadn't had a chance for that in a long time.

***

            Allee laughed maniacally.  Poor Draco had multiple tails pinned into his butt, and he was walking rather gingerly.

            "Now that is what I call a fun game!" Fred said.  George nodded, apparently of the same opinion.

            "Sad, but I have to agree," Rachel said.  Most everybody acknowledged that she was right, even Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob.

            Erek, however, hung his head sadly.  He still held his tail; he had been unable to stick it onto Draco because of his programming.

            "Let me help you," Harry offered.  He took the tail and shoved it on top of the others, receiving a pained hee-haw as a reward.

            Draco shot Allee an evil look, then picked up a stick that just so happened to be laying nearby.  He began scratching words into the ground.

            "Aww, widdle Draco is trying to say something!" laughed Cassi.

            At last, Draco's writing, though quite messy, was complete.

            "Pater niet," Heinrich said, glancing at the words, and then he continued his yodeling, even louder than before.

            "'When my father finds out, you'll be in trouble!'" Shawna read.  She grinned, too.  "When your father finds out, Malfoy, Allee'll just turn him into an @$$, too.  Oh, wait – he already is one."

            Everybody snickered, and Allee froze Draco before he could attack.  With a few more strokes of her keyboard, he disappeared.

            "We don't need him any longer.  Lenny?  You finished with that letter?"

            Lenny took a few steps forward.  "Yeah…  I think so…  I still can't believe you put him in Azkaban, Allee."

            "Well, he was annoying, and too darn tall, and besides, my little Heinrich dearest might have gotten jealous if I kept him around."

            "No!  I was talking about Jared!  It's perfectly fine that Carl's there."

            "Oh.  Well, it was the Ministry of Magic that put him in jail, not me."

            "You could get him out, though!"

            Allee thought for a moment.  "No, I don't think so.  Him being in Azkaban is kind of crucial to the next few plot points.  And watching him and Carl fight is just so amusing…"

            Lenny frowned and handed Allee the letter.

            "Good, good…  'My dearest Jared, I am so sorry for everything that's happened.  Allee is insane, and I shouldn't have ever gotten you dragged into this.  Don't worry, though, I'll bust you out of Azkaban if it's the last thing I do.  I love you!  Be safe, and don't let the dementors get to you.  Love, Lenny.'  Aww, Lenny, that's sweet!"

            Lenny turned red as most everybody else snickered.

            "Well, now that we have the letter, we can start the race!  _Accio, Hedwig!_"

After a second, a white ball of feathers and talons hurtled into the Quidditch pitch.  Hedwig squawked when she finally came to a halt, and she jumped over to Harry and started clucking at him.

"Sorry, Hedwig, don't blame me.  It's Allee."

Hedwig continued scolding Harry for a few more minutes before she grudgingly jumped onto his arm.

Allee smiled and typed a few more words onto her computer.  Suddenly, there was a perfect copy of Lenny's letter in Allee's other hand, leaving two.  Allee began folding them both.

What are the letters for? said Ax.

"Isn't it obvious?  Hedwig's here, so she's going to send them," Harry said.  "But why two copies?"

"It's a race, she said!" Shawna replied.

"But…"

Finished folding the parchment, Allee looked up.  "Alright, Tobias.  Time for you to go hawk."

"What?"

"Morph hawk."

Tobias was confused, but quickly complied.  If Allee could send people for a torture session with Taylor, who knew what she was capable of?

"Alright, this next game is simple," Allee announced.  "We shall have a race.  To put it simply, whoever delivers the letter to Jared in Azkaban first, Tobias or Hedwig, wins."

Kay13:  THE LOONS WILL TAKE OVER!!!!!!!  THE LOONS, I TELL YOU!!!!!  THE LOONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	12. Darn Birds

Chapter 11 – Darn Birds!

            There was silence for a moment.  Finally, it broke into Tobias' loud thoughtspeak protests.

            WHAT?  You mean I have to compete against a bird?

            Rachel cleared her throat and looked at Tobias.

            No, I mean a REAL bird!  That's so…  demeaning!  To compare me to a dumb animal!

            Rachel cleared her throat again.

            I mean…  Ack, I mean that I've got a human mind, whereas that thing is stupid!  It's an owl, for crying out loud!

            "Actually, I thought that in Western opinion, owls were thought to be quite wise," Ax pointed out.

            "Very cool birds, to say the least," Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob added.

            Harry nodded and stroked Hedwig's feathers.  "Don't listen to that mean old hawk, little Heddie-poo.  You're a very smart birdie."

            Tobias looked helplessly around the circle.  Please tell me that at least one other person on this court agrees when I say that my human mind is much smarter than the birdbrain?

            Rachel, Jake, Marco, and Erek raised their hands.  Everybody else just blinked.

            Well, that makes me feel loved.  Gee, thanks everybody.  Thanks a lot.

            "You must remember, Tobias, Hedwig is an owl of the wizarding world.  She's special," Allee said.

            Yeah, and so are you, Tobias muttered.  You're very special.  And if I had fingers to make quotes with, I would.

            "Really?  Thanks, Tobias!"

            Seriously, it's not even dark yet!  I'll have an unfair advantage over the birdbrain!  If you're going to make me compete, at least put me in a fair contest!

            "I did.  Anyway, here's some string-" Allee grabbed the pieces of string that had appeared as she typed "-so we'll tie the letters to your ankles."

            Rachel and Harry each took a piece of string and a letter and attached them to the leg of their favorite bird.

            "Okay, bring them to Jared in Azkaban!  On your mark, get set, go!"

            Hedwig hooted once, then soared up into the sky.

            Tobias looked around morosely.  Don't I even get directions?

            "You've got a superior human brain, remember?"

            The hawk gave Allee a dirty look, then jumped into the sky.  The air caught his wings, and he rose above the Quidditch field.

            Hey, anybody want to give me directions to Azkaban? he could be heard shouting as he faded to a little speck on the horizon.

            Allee watched him disappear and then typed one last thing into her computer.  She cocked her head as if listening to something far away, then grinned.  "Alright, she's set," she said to Lenny, Cassi, and Shawna.

            "Wait," Rachel said, "you never said what the race would decide."

            "Oh, yeah," Allee said.  "Whoever wins gets to marry you."

            "WHAT?"

            "Sorry, I couldn't resist."

            "You can't do this to me!  I'll marry whoever I want!  I…  I…"

            "You're saying you don't want to marry Tobias?" Shawna asked.

            "Well, no, but…  WHAT IF THE STUPID BIRD WINS?  I CAN'T MARRY A BIRD!"

            "Yes, you can," Lenny said.  "You just don't want to."

            "DIE!"

            Rachel's shoulders suddenly grew bulky and shaggy brown fur sprouted out around her.  Her teeth grew sharp inside her mouth.

            "Sorry, no morphing to kill me allowed, Rachel," Allee said, typing something into her computer.  Rachel started demorphing, apparently unwillingly by her moans.

            "Good…  Now that all that's taken care of…  MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!"

            The Animorphs and the wizards looked at one another in confusion.

            "Christmas?" Marco said.

            "Yeah, remember the whole thing about how time flows differently in our universe, depending on how long it takes for Allee to write a new chapter?" Cassi said.  "Well, today's Christmas!"

            Heinrich started yodeling in tune to "Jingle Bells".

            "Oh."

            "And to celebrate, I've planned a little party for us."

            Allee grinned, then started typing furiously into her computer.  Random things started popping up around them, from a Christmas tree with lots of presents under it to a very long, very fancy wooden table with many chairs placed around it.  Christmas lights appeared all around the field in marvelous patterns and arrangements.  At last, a scrumptious feast appeared on the table, larger and more delicious-looking than any feast anybody on the field had ever seen before in their lives.

            "Oh, oh, food!" George and Fred both yelled, and then they both darted for the table.

            "Wait!" Allee said.  "You have to wait for the guests!"

            "Guests?" Alicia asked.  "What guests?"

            "Right there," Shawna said, and she pointed into the sky.  Sure enough, a tiny speck had formed directly above the group.  Soon, many other specks appeared, until thousands covered the sky.

            "What in the world?"

            "Not from this world," Shawna clarified.  "I give you…  The fans of this fanfic!"

            There was a stunned silence.

            "You mean…  The people who read and enjoy this insanity?" Jake said slowly.

            "Precisely!" Cassi said.  "They're wonderful people."

            "We're doomed.  It's a bunch of Allee-worshippers, come to enjoy our torture," Marco said, his head hanging.

            "Oh, don't worry, Marco!  They all love you," Shawna said.

            Harry looked up at the specks, slowly growing larger and larger.  "What are they going to do to us?"

            "Oh, don't worry about it; they'll just eat, open their presents, and leave."

            "You promise?"

            "No."

            "Oh, dear…" Katie said, watching as the dots grew.

***

            Tobias' wings were getting kind of tired, and somehow he didn't think he was headed in the right direction.  Nobody had been willing to give him directions…

            Lots of water under him, he noticed.  Had been for a while.  Water.  Water.  More water.  Lots of water.  Maybe he could dip down for a drink…  It was hard work sailing over the water, where there weren't any thermals…

            Tobias stopped flapping and let himself sink downwards.  Water would be so nice in his mouth.  He was only a few yards away, then a few feet, a few inches.  He opened his beak to let the cool water flow in.

            Salt!

            Tobias closed his mouth and flapped away as hard as he could, trying to get away from the nasty salt water.  And he had been so thirsty, too…  He wasn't rising at all.  Too much work, too little rising warm air.

            This sucks.

            Suddenly, Tobias felt himself shooting upward, his stomach soaked, and he was tumbling through the air.  A whoosh of air from under him threw him higher.

            Hey!  What the-

            Tobias finally caught himself and turned himself upright.  He looked down to see the sleek body of a whale surfacing to take a breath.  Another whoosh of air came as the whale exhaled and sent out a plume of mist.

            Watch where you breath, blubberbreath, Tobias muttered.

            Watch your mouth, the whale answered.

            Tobias froze, then started to fall as he forgot to flap.  He started again, now in shock.

            Who are you?

            I could ask the same thing about you, buster.

            I asked first.

            The whale sighed, shooting out more water droplets and air through its blowhole.  Fine.  My name is Aftran, and-

            Aftran?!

            Yes…

            Aftran.  It's Tobias.

            What?

            The whale slowed to a stop, then disappeared under the water.  Tobias hung overhead when suddenly, the water split and a gigantic whale head burst through the surface.  One huge eye goggled at Tobias as he circled.

            It is you!  What in the world are you doing here?  Where is here?

            Another universe, Tobias said.  Some psychopath named Allee brought me here.  Apparently, in her universe, there's an entire book series about us.  She's writing a story now to torture us, and she's in complete control.

            So we're in her universe?

            Not quite.  There's another book series called Harry Potter, about some stupid wizard kid.  I don't like him much.  He thinks his darn owl is smarter than me.  Anyway, Allee crossed over the two series in the story.  We're in Harry's world.

            Why am I here?

            I have no idea.  She must have plans you take a part in or something…  How and when did you show up?

            About an hour ago.  I was just swimming along, minding my own business, when suddenly this purple silt surrounded me.  When it cleared, I didn't know where I was, and the water tasted…  different.

            About an hour ago…  hmm…

            What's she going to do to me?  What's going on?

            I have no idea.  I don't suppose you know where a place called Azkaban is, do you?

            Never heard of it.

            Didn't think so.

            Sorry.

            Silence for a moment.

            Hey, Aftran…  Is that land I see up there?

            Um…  Maybe…

            Yeah!  It is!  Maybe that's Azkaban!  In his excitement, Tobias flopped back and forth.  His wings were aching.

            Calm down, Tobias.  I know you don't like flying over water.  Morph dolphin or something.  We can swim over together.

            Sounds good.  Are dolphins faster than owls?  I'd better beat that stupid birdbrain…  Show them.

            What have you suddenly got against owls?

            Don't even ask.  Has to do with Allee, the stupid Harry's stupid pet, and Allee's insane friend's boyfriend.

            Oh.

            Yeah.  I'll morph dolphin now.

            Tobias took a deep breath, shuddered, and let himself fall into the ocean.  His feathers melted away as he became a dolphin.

            So, you have any ideas at all as to why Allee might bring me here?

            Nope.

            None?

            Nope.

            You have to have at least one.

            Nope.

            C'mon, tell me!

            I don't know.

            Please?

            Tobias sighed and jumped up into the air.  Even the playfulness of the dolphin mind wasn't enough to cheer him up.  Listen, I'm cranky and tired, okay?  I don't like the water, and I don't like Allee.  I just don't want to think about it.

            Oh, okay.

            A pause.

            Please tell me?

            Tobias sighed and raced ahead, hoping the whale wouldn't catch up with him.

***

            Hedwig merrily flew along over Stonehenge on her way to Azkaban.  She was making good time; she might even be able to stop for a mouse with Pig, currently delivering a letter to Mrs. Weasley.  Hedwig referred again to the WGPS (Wizarding Global Positioning System) chip implanted into her brain right before she began work as a mail owl and adjusted her course slightly.  She'd be in Azkaban in no time.

***

            "You know, Jared, I tried pointing and laughing at you, but that's gotten old, and now you're just being whiny.  Won't you please shut up?" Carl said.

            "You're the one whining, Carl.  You're the one whining at me."

            "Only because you were whining before."

            "Well, I'm a better whiner than you."

            "That's not something to be proud of."

            Jared fell silent.  "You know, today's Christmas."

            "I know.  Ten months since Allee and I started going out.  Or, it would be ten months, if it weren't for that jerk Heinrich."

            "Look who's whining now."

            "I'm just stating a fact."

            "Whiner."

            "Listen, today's Christmas.  My present to you will be to shut up, but only if you give the same present to me."

            "Fine."

            "Fine."

            "Whiner."

            "Imbecile."

            "Texan."

            "Non-Texan."

            "Allee's a non-Texan, too.  Insult me with that, and you insult her, too."

            "I thought you gave me the present of silence."  

            "You insulted Allee, idiot.  Hey, Allee!  He said it, not me, okay?  PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!"

            Carl looked at Jared for a second.  "You realize that she's going to smack you now, right, just because you asked her not to?"

            "Darn…"

            "Now shut up."

            "You shut up."

            "You first."

            They both shut up as they heard the voice of Jeeves the dementor come closer.

            "Thirty people with happy thoughts in their heads, thirty people with happy thoughts!  Take one down, kiss…"

            Carl and Jared humphed at one another, then sat down facing opposite directions.  They weren't about to look at one another.

            "Yeah, if they kiss one of us, it'll be you first."   

            "You."

            "You."

            "You."

            And so the lack of shutting up continued in the cold dungeon where two guys from a different universe lay imprisoned because of the psycho named Allee.

***

            Back on the Quidditch field, Allee was having lots of fun putting up some final Christmas decorations before her guests arrived.  They were only a few hundred feet up in the air now, descending slower than freefall because of the large parachutes attached to their backs.  The Quidditch team, the Animorphs, and Erek quivered in terror as the expressions on the faces of these fans of the story became clear:  They all wore the same maniacal grin Allee generally wore.

            Finally ready, Allee looked up and waved.  The hundreds of fans waved back, their faces lit up with the delight of having a new chapter to read and even be a part of.

            "This is insane," Marco whispered to Jake.

            "Yeah.  Who knows what these freaks will do to us?"

            Harry edged over to them.  "I'd pull out my wand, but somehow I don't think it'd work…"

            "I think you're right."

            Rachel and the Weasley twins walked over and joined the discussion.

            "We could jump Allee, steal the computer," George suggested.

            "Yeah!  Let's do it!  I'm not marrying some stupid bird!"

            Allee's face snapped in their direction.  "Don't even think about it!"

            "And Hedwig's a smart bird…"

            "Hey, Harry…  Isn't Hedwig a girl?"

            "Actually, yeah, Angelina, she is…"

            "Allee!  Rachel can't marry Hedwig; she's a girl!"

            "Oh yeah…"

            Allee typed a few things into the computer.

            "Not anymore she's not!"

            The first of the fans landed, followed by a multitude of others.  They formed a line behind Allee, who introduced them as they walked forward to take their place at the dinner table.

            "This is ilovepotc4eva, and here's ichia400, who is sadly deluded into thinking something as ludicrous as a toucan could take over the world, and then this is Snuggs, and here's FacelessName, and WolfYoukai, Queen of Chibis; Alana Hikari-Chan; mackaronie 9; Kay131, who is also sadly deluded.  She thinks the penguins will take over."

            Allee shook her head sadly.

            Kay131 lifted her chin.  "They will!  Just watch!  Penguins – ATTACK!"

            From the presumed wormhole above the Quidditch field that led to the real universe, a legion of black specks poured into the air.  Thousands appeared, until the sky was matted in black and white tuxedo patterns.

            Unfortunately, because the penguins were not fans of the story, they were not automatically supplied with parachutes.  And because penguins are useless and can't even fly, that meant some serious doom for the attacking birds.

            The penguins plummeted to the ground, piling up around everybody's ankles.  After the first group, though, there was a blubbery, feathery, soft mass for the rest of the penguins to fall onto, so they survived.  With loud squawks, they gathered into a legion and started rushing towards Allee and everybody else on the Quidditch field.  Kay131 stood, her face shining with joy.

            Allee rolled her eyes.  

She typed just a few simple things into her computer.  A new wormhole opened up next to her, and thousands of radioactive loons poured from it, uttering their noble battle whoop.  Their red eyes glowed as their lasers and spacecraft made short work of the penguins.  Within seconds, the penguins were destroyed, and the loons were victorious.  The loons hooted in triumph, and Allee, Shawna, Cassi, and Lenny, the loon followers present, grabbed the brooms and dustbins Allee had made appear and cleaned the penguin entrails from the Christmas decorations.  One loon, the largest, wearing a crown, turned to Allee and warbled something, most likely a thank you.  Allee warbled something back and bowed before it.  Shawna was next on her knees, followed by Cassi and Lenny.  The Quidditch team, the Animorphs, and Erek exchanged a nervous glance before they, too, fell to their knees and bowed before the loon king.  After a second, Allee looked up and gave an evil look to all around her, and everybody but Kay131 prostrated themselves before the champions.  The loon king hopped over to Kay131 and pecked her in the back, and she fell into a bow, too.  Then all of the loons returned from where they came, and the Quidditch field was mostly back to normal.  It had all taken place within just a few minutes.

"See, Kay131?  The penguins could never stand up to the might of the loons!" Shawna said.

Kay131 hung her head.  "Aww…  Oh well."

She trudged over to the banquet table and took her place.

"Anyway," Allee continued, "here's Liaranne, and gyver21, and Brutal2003, and morph, and heartsyhawk, and Wottabout, and Jess16, and Dslguy14, and Angel Sari Neko Jeminie Indigo, and MoonPrincess9, and oobergoober, and Kristen Goddess, and o.O Sylina O.o, and Hermione Granger4, and allison, and TheSilverWolf, and Katrina, and Arinya, and lovelyinsanity, and bride-of-lister, and Tobias Wesley, and shock, and morpherkidvb.  Hey, fans, remember morpherkidvb?  Cassie?  She's the one who uploaded the chapter when I went to Germany!  Yeah.  And here's Red-Ruby2, and CrypticKid451, and chelz-aelle, and KutendKrazy23, and Kate, who's not really a fan, but she's read a couple of chapters, and medevil pricess, and trojjer, and Dragon-of-the-flame, and UKHoneyB, and GazzadaSpazza, and Lost Soul, and confused-otakuprincez, and Andrew Joshua Talon, and Furide-chan, and amythest, and Moon-Dragon, and download, and Elfy19, and Dreamergirl, and Skittle the Sugar Fairy, and Will-Write-For-Pocky, and Cyber Death, and Gohan1, and chibigreenwizardmon, and The Wandering Blue Andalite, and krazygurl, and Queen Isa – you know, Isa, I haven't talked to you in forever.  Hey, Kay131, meet Isa!  She's the head of the Sydney Lucky Ducks, the loon-following faction in Sydney, Australia!  And here's Myst, and Nogard, and Teresina Dragonwagon, and traycon3, and Mordecai Kairo, and Stephanie, and mickEmousina, and Lydia, and Amber, and morphboy, and Alexia Goddess, and AnGeLiNdIsGuIsE1!  I expect you character-types to be nice to them!  Say 'Happy Christmas,' now."

The characters from the two book universes sighed.  "Happy Christmas."

The last few people took their places at the table, and everybody started passing around food.

"At least we get food out of it," George said.

"Yeah…" Fred said.

Rachel lowered her voice and looked conspiratorially at the other book characters.  "Seriously, I think we should steal the computer.  We could do it!"

"Rachel, every time you come up with an idea, we all end up screaming and running like mad to avoid death.  This time, we would all end up screaming and running like mad to avoid Allee, who's even worse than death.  I think I'll continue to try to be nice," Marco said.

"But we would make ourselves free!"

"We can think about it," Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob said.  "After all, I don't think we'll be leaving any time soon."

"Yeah," Katie agreed.  "We'll think about it."

"We'd better.  I'm not marrying a female bird."

"So how do you think Hedwig's doing?" Harry asked.

"We'll find out eventually," said Erek.

"I hope she-that's-now-a-he dies.  I'm not marrying her-that's-now-a-him."

They sighed, and went back to eating.  Or, in Erek's case, incinerating food inside the hologram.

"Alright," Allee said after everybody had had enough time to stuff themselves, "time for presents!  Everybody has one under the tree!"

The mad rush of fans jostled over to the tree, and there was much rejoicing as they all got one useless present after another.

Rachel finally got a hold of hers, a small box.  She opened it to find a beautiful diamond ring.  Also inside the box was a short note:  "Rachel, will you marry me?  Love, the winner of the race."

Rachel hung her head.

"I've got to find a way out of here…"

***

I'll wait here for you, Aftran said to Tobias when they had gotten too close to the shoreline for her to come any further.  Do you think it's Azkaban?

I have no idea…

Good luck.

            Aftran submerged, and Tobias swum over onto her back.  After he was in place, she surfaced, and Tobias had a semi-dry place to morph back to hawk.

            Thanks, Aftran.  I'll see you soon.

            Bye!

            Tobias jumped off Aftran's back and flapped hard to get himself into the air.  At last, he was high enough to really fly, and soon, he was by the cliffs that rose out of the ocean.  Some great thermals came off of them, so he rode them up, then soared into the land.

            His wings were aching after hours of flying, but at last he saw lights on the horizon.  A city.

            With renewed energy, Tobias soared towards it.  Maybe Azkaban was in the city.

            The closer he came, the more the energy drained from him.  He was starting to feel discouraged.  He hadn't heard anything about a big city…

            Then, he knew he was in the wrong place.  He had to be.

            A metal tower stretched up into the air, even above him.

            The Eiffel Tower.

            And somehow, Tobias didn't think France was letting England shove its magical criminals into Paris.

***

            Crayak felt her very atoms squeezed apart as she drained through the bottleneck of the black hole.  She screamed.

            And then there was no pain.  There was nothing.

            And then more pain again, and this time she felt like she was being pushed out of the bottleneck, not into.

            Pain.

            Oblivion.

            Ended.

            Crayak opened her little-girl blue eyes.  Amazing that she still could.

            She looked around.

            She was in a universe not unlike the Animorphs universe.  Quite similar, in fact.

            A star nearby, familiar.  And nine planets revolving around it.  An earth.

            Crayak snickered, then skipped towards that solar system.  It wasn't too long a walk, and soon she was plummeting through the stratosphere of the third planet from the sun.  Luckily, as an all-powerful being, she didn't burn to a crisp.

            She crash-landed.  When she finally opened her blue eyes, she was in the middle of a field.  Barley, she thought, surrounded her.  She saw a small town not all that far from there, so she started walking towards it.

            At last, she saw the name of the town:  Rottenburg.  There was some German underneath it.  Apparently, she had landed in a Germany in an earth of an alternate universe.

            She shrugged.  This was as good a place as any to start taking over the world.

A/N:  Well, everybody, happy Christmas!  I hope you enjoyed your Christmas present, and I'm sorry it took so long to post it.  Everybody enjoy your break!

Kay131:  …You are mistaken!  I do not lead the loons!  I am a follower!  I follow the mighty loons, as do about fifty other people worldwide!!!  And the loons are not cowards!  They have proven themselves as nobles and worthy and brave creatures!  So bow, Kay13!  Bow before their might, and beg their mercy!

Also, DUDE, you're doing Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat???  That's my favorite musical in the ENTIRE WORLD!  I saw it with Donny Osmond and everything!  And I have the CD in my car!  I listen to it all the time!  And I tried to get us to do Junior and the Amazing Really Red Dreamcoat as our Intramurals theme last year!  And I know all the words to all the songs!!!  *Allee starts singing*

Joseph's mother, she was quite my favorite wife.

I never really loved another all my life.

And Joseph was

My joy because

He reminded me of her!

Through young Joseph, Jacob lived his youth again

Loved him, praised him, gave him all he could but then

It made the rest

Feel second best

And even if they were-

Being told we're also-rans

Does not make us Joseph fans!

But where they had really missed the boat is

We're great guys but no one seems to notice!

Joseph's charms and winning smiles

Failed to slay them in the aisle!

And his father couldn't see the danger!

He could not imagine any danger.

He just saw in Joseph all his dreams come true.

Jacob wanted to show the world he loved his son.

To make it clear that Joseph was the special one

So Jacob bought his son a coat -

A multicolored coat to wear!

Joseph's coat was elegant, the cut was fine.

The tasteful style was the ultimate in good design.

And this is why

It caught they eye!

A king would stop and stare!

And when Joseph tried it on

He knew his sheepskin days were gone!

Such a dazzling coat of many colors!

How he loved his coat of many colors!

In a class above the rest!

It even went well with his vest!

Such a stunning coat of many colors!

How he loved his coat of many colors!

It was red and yellow and green and brown and blue!

Joseph's brothers weren't too pleased with what they saw.

We have never liked him all that much before.

And now this coat

Has got our goat!

We feel life is unfair!

And when Joseph graced the scene

His brothers turned a shade of green!

His astounding clothing took the biscuit.

Quite the smoothest person in the district.

I look handsome, I look smart!

I am a walking work of art!

Such a dazzling coat of many colors!

How I love my coat of many colors!

It was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russet and gray and purple and white and pink and orange and red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russet and gray and purple and white and pink and orange and blue!

*Allee stops singing and takes a deep breath*

YAY!

*Allee starts singing again*

Joseph's coat annoyed-

*The nice men in white jackets sneak up behind Allee and gag her, and they drag her off into the van to be taken back to the big house where she gets to take the candy that makes her happy while she kicks and screams*


End file.
